THAT DARN CAT! {volume 2}

I love cats. They serve so many purposes, and make fantastic pets. Cats are, hands down, my favorite pick of the four legged species…
 
Ok. I’m sure I didn’t pull that off at all, as I have previously expressed my depreciation for the feline existence. Simply put. I hate cats.
I have come to terms with the simple fact that God in all His sovereignty, takes the very things we dislike the most, and educates us.
In part one of this, mini-series if you will, I gave hesitant gratification to an animal in which I, abrasively speaking, cannot stand.
But as long the Lord continues to speak to me, I’ll accept it from whatever source He chooses to use.

A  few months ago, my entire family became fed up with this bothersome feline and collectively voted to relegate her from the family.
My father then loaded her up in his pickup, drove her to a nearby public park, and dropped her off. The humane society was close, the weather was gorgeous, and the park was loaded with families and children. Tada! There. Mission accomplished.
A few days later, as I’m in the kitchen fixing my breakfast, guess who is winking at me through the window?
That darn cat!
Feeling as though I was an unbeknownst character in an Edgar Allen Poe skit, I blamed it on the morning. I walked to the back door, took a good look, and then embraced the shockwave.
“You have GOT to be kidding me!!”
I went into my parents room and expressed my abashment to them when I realized they were laboring under the same disconcertment.
I’m not sure how she found her way home, I’m not sure what serious of events she went through to get here, I’m not sure how soon after her drop-off that she decided to give it a shot, all I know is she’s here. And more annoying than ever.

It baffles me, even to this day, how that vexatious creature performed such an act. I’ve heard stories of families moving two and three states away leaving their dogs behind, only to find them in their front yard weeks later.
This inspired a bit of research. I was quite amazed at some of the incredible stories I unearthed.
Much of the following information I found on the online discovery channel portal. These are just general facts.
My favorite, was a special I found on sea turtles.
Soon after entering the world, they depart from their hatching grounds and begin to roam the ocean wide. The average sea turtles do not reach sexual maturity until they are twenty five to thirty years old. After reaching this point, they then return to the exact hatching grounds for breeding.
Think of that. They depart while mere hatchlings, and return the exact spot some thirty years later.
I still get lost in the mall!
Next to the sea turtles was the brown pelican. The narrator pointed out that the key element of their tracking instinct is their vision. He stated that special magnetic sensors have been identified in the retina, allowing them to cover hundreds of miles worth of unchartered waters before returning to their home place.

I’m sorry, This series is about cats. You’re right.
It just so happens, I found a few personal cat adventures as well. These stories embarrass mine.
Pillsbury, an eight year old English cat, made his way back home after crossing busy highways and a herd of cattle.
Sooty, a Persian, found his way back to his old home after his family in England moved more than one hundred miles away.
Ninja, the tomcat who moved with his owners from Utah to Washington State in 1996, holds the round trip record thus far. He disappeared shortly after arriving in his new home, only to return a year later at the old Utah address, some eight hundred and fifty miles away.

Maybe this doesn’t fascinate you as much as it does me. My apologies if I’ve bored you.
But God has crafted these creatures with abilities that are, to me, incomprehensible.
In all actuality, it’s not the animal instincts that fascinate me, but rather our striking similarity.
Sometimes we fall into addictions and sins that shame the Lord. Sometimes we make selfish decisions that grieve our Holy Ghost. Sometimes we get so deep in our problems that we don’t bother to repent or seek Gods counsel. “What’s the use? It’s not like He’s going to help me anyways. And, I’m definitely going to do it again tomorrow. Why waste my time, or His for that matter.”
But it stands to reason, that no matter how far out we get, or how overwhelmed in sin we become, we always know where to resort to.
The old saying goes: “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink”. This is entirely true, but if you lead him there enough, he’ll know where to go if he gets thirsty.
We have an endless reservoir. God, through His divine spirit, has given us the opportunity to drink from His mercy at any given time.
Once we’ve experienced that, and once we’ve been a recipient of His redemption, we’re branded. We belong to our Father. We’re not slaves, nor are we prisoners. But we are marked. No matter where we go or what we do, we’ll always have the indwelling of His spirit.
Much like the animals previously mentioned, we too have a homing device. While we may not explore every facet of the underwater world, or soar through the warm air above the salty seas, we never forget where home is.
All too often, a sanctified, Holy Ghost filled child of God, becomes derailed buy the enticement of society.
From a puritan to a prisoner.
A Sunday saint, a Monday sinner.

ALL have sinned. ALL have fallen short. ALL have yielded to transgression.
And ALL have fallen at His mercy. If you’re exempt from these, brace yourself. You’re not too spiritual to endure tribulation. If you think for a moment that you have hi-balled distress, my prayers are with you. You’re due for a rather rude awakening.
But there’s good news! We can not fail the Lord!
We can’t outlive Him. Yet we can’t live without Him.
He refuses to leave. His love for us in incomprehensible. His arm is never too short to brush off fallen man. That’s MY God.
He’s not so pushy that He prevents us from drifting, yet He’s not so austere that He leaves in our despair.
We’ve been given a spiritual GPS if you will. We never seem to have any trouble finding Him when we need Him. Regardless of the shame and embarrassment we’ve induced.
I think of my own life and testimony. How many times I have drifted from the will of Him who created me. I’ve ran from Him. I’ve abandoned Him. I’ve forsaken Him. I’ve ignored Him. I’ve faded Him out. I’ve rejected Him. I’ve disobeyed Him. I’ve longed for Him. I’ve cried for Him. I’ve pleaded with Him. I’ve heard from Him. I’ve even felt His arms around me.
All this, while sitting in the same spot. Born in the church, raised in the church, sheltered by a Godly home and family, even yet, polluted by the perversion of modern society.
Listen.
Your surroundings have nothing to do with your salvation. It’s a choice. And nobody besides you can, or will, make that decision for you.
You MUST have a made up mind. Once you’ve made up your mind, there’ll be no stopping you. You’ll still be hurt and wounded, and you’ll still face complications. But you’ll never have to search for home again, because you’ll be a permanent resident.

I thought about the cat a bit more. I almost felt pity for her. After championing such a momentous journey, she deserved a little break. I kinda chuckled over the situation, wondering if her unsophisticated mind could gather that she wasn’t wanted by any of us. I praised her for her perpetual desire to be an active part of the Dowell family. She stays in the yard. She doesn’t eat much. She makes little noise. She’s nearly insignificant.
She does, however, do lots of little annoying things. But to say she’s a threat of any kind is unreasonable.
I’ve prayed so many times: Lord, I realize I’m a pest. I know I fail miserably. I know people must get annoyed with me, or grow tired of me and my foolish ways. I’m sure there are times when nobody wants me around.
But would you keep me anyways Lord?
I’ve fought, wrestled, and struggled with my very life to stay in this family. I’ve refused so many things to be here. I’ve resisted my own will to stay in yours. I’ve crossed too many highways. I’ve crawled through too many fields. My vision is sharper and clearer now more than ever! Can I stay Lord?…Please?
I’ll try not to make too much noise. I’ll try to just blend in. I don’t have to be seen. I don’t have to play a big part. So long as I can be near You for eternity.
My goal is to be part of the stonework in Your Kingdom. But if all I am is a single piece of mulch in the courtyard of Heaven, so be it.
Home is where the heart is. My heart is to die as a servant for Your righteousness.
And one day, my homing device will lead me beyond the mortal life I lead, into a realm of eternal glory.
I am ever grateful for the perpetual desire you have instilled in me. Regardless of the sinkhole I may bury myself in, may I never forget my way home.
I walk and I talk with my Lord.
I feast every day on His word.
Heaven is near, and I can’t stay here.
Goodbye world, goodbye.
Now don’t you weep for me when I’m gone.
For I won’t have to leave here alone.
As soon as I hear that trumpet sound,
My feet won’t stay on the ground!
I’m gonna rise with a shout, gonna fly!
Gonna rise with my Lord in the sky.
Heaven is near, I can’t stay here.
Goodbye world.
…..goodbye.

THAT DARN CAT! {volume 1}

 

If I said I despised cats, that would be offensive to some. If I said I had no use for them, that would be a bit more acceptable. Either way, I’d much rather play with a dog. Or a scorpion for that matter. J
However, this past month, I have been enlightened in a few different aspects. And as much as my pride rebukes the fact, it was because of a cat.
We have two cats. I can’t stand either of them. I would almost feel guilty for saying that, except nobody in my family likes them either. Why do we keep them? I’ll touch on that in my next blog. It’s a pretty comical story. Anyways.
Yesterday morning I was home alone, so I got up to grab me some breakfast when I noticed the garbage was overflowing onto the floor. So being the well organized, clean freak that I am…ahem…(hold the laughter) I bagged up the garbage and headed for the door. Upon approaching the door, it dawned on me that I was only wearing socks. It had been raining and I wasn’t in the mood for soggy feet. Mind you, it was still morning and I couldn’t muster up the desire to put on my shoes. “I’ll just set the bag outside” I thought. I knew if I left it on the inside of the door, somebody in my family (I.E. the mother) would nag about it stinking up the house. Because apparently garbage stinks more when the bag is outside of the can rather than inside the can. So I took the bag from its natural habitat, and I set it outside the door. I could clearly see the outside can when I opened the door, and I considered just taking it all the way, but…nah. I’ll do it later.
So I ate breakfast, hopped on the computer, brushed my teeth, read a book, hopped on the computer, went for a walk, straightened the living room, hopped on the computer, watched a Gaither video, quenched my thirst, called a friend of mine, hopped on the computer…the typical routine for one who is temporarily disabled.
Meanwhile my family came home. My mom came into the living room where I was, and surprisingly, I was on my computer. She gave me the “You’re going to hate to hear this, but I take great pleasure in telling you” look. She then informed me that the cat had torn the bag of trash all over the driveway. “I hate that stupid cat.”
So I got up, grabbed the broom and an empty trash bag, and bolted outside. When I got out there, it was as bad as I expected. I was quite irritated. However, after cleaning up most of the trash, I began to chuckle. My chuckle turned into full fledge laughter. “What an idiot. What did I really think was going to happen?” So I finished cleaning and went back inside.

I thought about the situation. Sometimes, our problems and our circumstances just bombard us. They pile higher and higher until they become impossible to manage.
That seems to be when the Lord works the most. His mercy, through the gift of the Spirit, begins to instruct us and show us how to overcome our problems. So we bag them up. We throw all of our failures, and problems, and inadequacies on the table. Our goal is to take them before the feet of the Lord.
But complacency always seems to be the one that escapes the bag. We get so far! We come so close to our destination, and then we compromise. “Well I’ve made it this far, I can afford to take a break.” Or “He knows my heart. If I just procrastinate for a while, His mercy will cover me. Hey, that’s what repentance is for right?”
While we’re just sitting idle and audacious, we’re leaving an open door for the enemy to come and expose us.
If we don’t work harder at putting these things behind us and casting them at the feet of Jesus, then we have no right to be angry when the adversary pulls out the slack.
I’d like to believe that darn cat was sitting right around the corner, waiting for me to leave the bag unattended so she could pounce!
It happens fast. Sometimes faster than we realize. We don’t have time to let our stinking, repulsive flesh lay dormant. Satan is like a roaring lion.
Lets go all the way. Our feet will probably get wet. Our hands will probably get dirty. We’ll probably have to tap into our resource of energy that we may or may not have.
BUT!
When the job is done, and there is no repugnant mess to worry about, then we can stand in total surrender, and claim the victory. What an achievement.

Mercy Still

Inabilities. Uncertainties. Confusion. Hesitation. Objections. Doubt. Disorientation. Guilt. Shame. Insignificance. Unimportance. If these were diamonds, I would surpass wealth. If they were grains of sand, I would stretch from coast to coast. If they were raindrops, I would saturate the globe leaving nothing behind. But rather than these, they are chains that cripple me. Weights that handicap me. Wounds that rot me. My mortal disadvantages have the potential to hug the earths circumference. Is there still mercy reserved for me? When completely stripped and exposed, I am but a lump of exalted ego hiding beneath a mask of pseudo-assurance. My self righteous verbalism has shattered the stain glass sanctuary of innocence time and again. The only hatred I can justifiably posses is geared towards myself. Destined to mirror my creator, I have taken full control of this transition. I have violently snatched the reigns from the tender hands of my commander. I have made it all about me. Is there still mercy reserved for one such as I? I have sought to prove my master wrong with my own intellect. I have failed. I have performed as though my finite mind could baffle the wit of the virgin born. I have labored strongly under the misconception that I am on a higher plateau than my shepherd. As the sweat of self-proclaimed holiness burned the eyes of my spirituality, I patiently awaited the day when the God of Abraham would tell me I was right, and He was wrong. Such a day has yet to come. Where is the mercy reserved for me? It came as a furious trumpet in the midst of tranquility. It pierced my lethargic soul like a rude enlightenment. Instantly, my walls of reliance struck the ground like an unsuspected murder. The summons! No Lord. Never. I am not worth Your time. You really think You know me. But the truth is Lord, You don’t know me at all. For if You did, You would take Your draft elsewhere. The thought of You and Your majesty, calling me and my ineffectuality, is nothing less than impossible. Ludicrous even. It had never occurred to me, that His persistence is nearly equal to His grace. You don’t want me! Trust me. If nothing I have ever said was true, You can count on this one Lord. I’m worthless! And I would not come to You alone. I would be accompanied by a surfeit of undesired attributes. I have a bag of repulsive problems that never leave me. If I came to You, I would have to come with all of my problems too. Believe me Father, I am pathetic. I am worthless. I am hopeless. Don’t waste Your time. Listen to me Lord, You would be wise to find somebody else and forget about me. Could it be? Does the drumbeat of the recruit continue on? He would not stop. He would not reconsider. He refused to take no for an answer. So considering the call, and the lack of loss at stake, I obeyed. As a peasant before his King, I hesitantly entered the realm of His holiness. My cracked, blistered feet scuffed the floors of His divine presence. Humiliated. Terrified. Apprehensive. I knew that at any moment, the King of all Kings would expose me. I braced for the sting of mortification when the God of all heaven would publicly display my every fault. But all at once, my heartbeat began to decrease. My profuse sweating ceased, and my trembling hands were stilled. I felt arms of love cradle me in a way I never thought possible. I felt tears of bewilderment emerge from my eyes. All the fear, all the anger, all the resentment, all the doubts and all the guilt crumbled to the ground. Like a blanket of snow in the dessert, they were gone. And I…I was free. I traded my shame for peace. I turned in all my disgrace for redemption. My indignity became my testimony. A testimony of love. But not just love. Agape love. A love that will not let me go. How thankful am I that His remedies are wiser than my prayers. When all I had was my apathetic story, He gave me a new one. When my voice was weak and feeble, He drowned it out with the song in my soul. When I would beg for release, He would squeeze tighter. When I would convince Him of my irrelevance, He would prove to me my ignorance. What I thought I knew, was far from reality. Although at times I have disagreed with the potter, He never ceases to prove me wrong. My questions are finally answered. And there was indeed, mercy reserved for even me. This covenant of divine compassion is mine to eternally embrace. I am now at His mercy. The mercy that led me to this point, and the mercy that will help me survive. Rain on me, oh sweet mercy of Heaven…

 

(If you don’t watch the video, which I HIGHLY recommend, atleast read these lyrics.)

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

More than ever!

I love yard saling.  I love the adventure of slowly cruising through neighborhoods hoping to spot one, and the overwhelming triumph that follows when you do. I love weeding through decades of junk hoping to find something of value. I love to watch people purchase things they don’t need and have no intentions of ever using, simply because it’s only a quarter.
Recently I was doing a little yard saling myself. I came across a table with a few cd’s on it, the shuffle was on! I’m a sucker for music, and rarely pass up an opportunity to add to my collection. I dug and browsed and investigated, I found nothing. (Save an old Norah Jones cd. I know, don’t judge me) I did, however, notice a very odd cd that caught my attention for the wrong reasons. The album cover was a skeleton with eyes and hair. Hmmm…weird. I opened it up out of humored curiosity and found that they were proud members of the cannibalistic genre. I read two or three stanzas of lyrics, and began to feel nauseous as my Holy Ghost grieved. I started to retire from reading, when I noticed the “Thank you” section.
Low and behold, get this, it started with “First and foremost, we would like to thank our Lord and savior Jesus Christ for the gift He has instilled in us…”
I wish I could say I didn’t laugh, but that would be a lie. It wasn’t a sanctimonious or  pharisaical laugh, but rather one of enlightenment. I thought “oh God! Thank you for wisdom…” I’m not their judge, nor would I want to be. It just occurred to me that many people have a God awareness, but not a God conscience.

Although I don’t struggle to that extreme, I don’t possess the amount of God conscience that I need.
I have been troubled in my spirit for some time over the departure of convictions.
I found myself dealing with a struggle here of late, one that I always thought I was exempt from. Without going into any details, I’ll just say it was quenching my spirit. I found it easier and easier to override my convictions and coach myself through it.
Listen to me.
COMPARING SINS IS THE FIRST STEP TO AN EXTREME DOWNFALL!
When you begin to tell yourself, “Well maybe its wrong but atleast I’m not doing this…” Or “Well most kids my age are doing way worse than this…” Or “I can control it, it’s not that big of a deal, it‘s nowhere near as bad as…”
God help you.

This past Sunday I heard a testimony by a good friend of mine, who was talking on burying his face before God. I felt the Lord deal with me to get up behind him and tie in. A little while into the service I stood briefly and talked on King David, and then asked how many would accept the challenge of practicing obeisance for a week. I asked how many would be willing to bury their face in the floor and seek God.
David had an ingredient that we don’t have.
Prayer.
Fervent, perpetual, shameless, unfiltered, honest-hearted prayer.
David made many mistakes. Some gross, inexcusable mistakes. But God was never left out of the equation.

He spoke to God regardless of his circumstance, and God honored that.
Many times David felt, and nearly was disconnected from God. His mistakes were worthy of death. But David prayed on.
It didn’t matter if he wasn’t in the mood. It didn’t matter if he felt like it. It didn’t matter if he thought it was pointless. It didn’t matter if he thought God was ignoring him. He prayed on!! And in doing that, he was appointed by the Lord as “A man after God’s own heart.”

We are in the last days of the last days.

If we don’t practice sacrificial, inconvenient prayer, we will NEVER survive. Without open communication between us and our commander, we may as well hang it up!
I don’t mean comfortable, user friendly prayer. The lollygaggers prayer  is about as worthless as a white shirt in a spaghetti parlor.
I mean old time, Holy Ghost intercession where you aren’t satisfied until God moves!
I’m talking about latching ahold to the horns of the altar and staying there until you feel provision!
I’m talking about wrestling with an angel and chanting “I. WILL. NOT. LET. YOU. GO. UNTIL. YOU. BLESS. ME!!”
Whew!
HALLELUJAH!!
We need Holy Ghost conviction like we’ve NEVER had it before! If it’s wrong, IT’S WRONG!
And if it’s wrong for you, it’s just as wrong for me! It’s either black or white! We don’t have time to experiment in the church! We don’t have time to meander through trends and fads!
We don’t need the in-thing! We don’t need the latest hype! We don’t need to flirt with the charismatic outbreaks!
What we need is a personal Holy Ghost revival to submerge our spirits and crucify our flesh! We need God to show us what is right! Then we need the strength to obey!
SEARCH ME LORD! SEARCH ME LORD! TURN THE LIGHT OF HEAVEN ON IN MY SOUL! IF YOU FIND ANYTHING THAT SHOULDN’T BE, TAKE IT OUT AND STRAIGHTEN ME! I WANT TO BE RIGHT! I WANT TO BE SAVED! I WANT TO BE WHOLE!

Whew! Forgive me, this works me up. THIS IS SERIOUS GUYS!
This is life or death. This is our eternity. I haven’t worked my whole life to separate myself for nothing. I haven’t resisted the habits of society for nothing. I haven’t stayed pure and clean before God to throw it all away now.
Don’t think for a moment that I don’t battle it everyday. Don’t think I don’t struggle day in and day out.
May I NEVER come across like I have this beast conquered. I fight as much as the next guy. “If I could, still I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.”
Well I could. It’s offered to me everyday. Jesus, build a fence around me!

To complete my thought from earlier, I have battled with an issue over the past couple months, an issue that was choking the life of God out of me. It was not a catastrophic issue, but one that could have escalated in to such. I dealt with it, I prayed about it, I searched for remedies. It was still there.
I’m only exposing this because I feel like sometimes we fake who we are. Sometimes we pretend we don’t have problems. We walk into church smiling and saying “Oh God bless you! Really? You like my shoes? Girl they’re so comfortable!” “This tie? Yeah it ought to be nice, as much as I paid for it!” “Yeah everything is fine! Me and Jesus workin’ it out!”
When all the while, behind the nice clothes and big smile, we have problems like everybody else. Don’t misinterpret me, I love nice clothes and good fellowship, buts lets not forget our motive. That is to get through this world alive. There’s nothing wrong just being real and honest and saying, Dude! I got problems. I need help. Pray for me. That’s what I’m here for, don’t ever hesitate to ask me for prayer. And if you tell somebody you’ll pray, DO IT! Don’t tell somebody you’ll pray if you have no intentions of it.
That makes you a liar.

Ok. No more sidetracks
Sunday night when I got home, I practiced the challenge I set out. I got down face first and began to pray. I felt very humiliated so I knew I was doing the right thing.
I was asking God to deal with me and help me with this struggle. “Speak to me Lord!” I repeated the line over and over. It was three in the morning, I was outside, and growing irritated. I felt the Lord impress on me to go out and stand in the street.
“Hahaha! Yeah right Lord. Sigh…You’re great.
Oh…like, you’re serious? Now!? Sigh…ok Lord. Whatever you want.”
So I walked out into the street and I just stood there. “Ok God! Now what? I hope you’re enjoying this.”
I stood and stood and felt nothing. I turned to go back to my house, and when I did, I noticed a sign. It was red and white, and rather unique.
It read “STOP”
That’s it. Just…stop.
But what made it unusual is, each letter was the size of a buick! It just jumped out at my face. “STOP!” That was my answer. It was crazy windy outside, a storm was definitely approaching. I looked up at the sky, and athough it was dark I could still see the clouds. They were moving at incredibly fast speeds. There I stood, looking in the sky feeling rebuked. I felt God saying,  pay attention to the signs. So I looked behind me and noticed two more signs. One said “Caution. Speed bump ahead” and the other: “No outlet”.
That was the answer I needed.
If we don’t stop doing this our own way, we’re going to slam a speed bump. God can and will slow us down. We’ll realize our self-paved road has no outlet, it’s a dead end. And we’ll be found standing at the end of our crises while the cloud of God moves on.
We know the cloud is a picture of God’s covering. It is vital that we follow Him and stay under His covering. Without it we’ll surely die.

My spirit is troubled and concerned at the degree of liberty we have taken.
We live in a society where homosexuality is openly accepted and encouraged. Fashion has no limits. It’s ok to walk around nearly nude and arouse the guys, who cares if your body is uncovered as long as your heart is right! Premarital sex, as well as sexual games and experiments run ferociously in our generation! Watching and supporting filthy garbage on the television is no big deal. Pornography floods our world like an open sewer!
Where is the conviction! Have we strayed so far that we don‘t even know the difference between right and wrong??
GOD! WE NEED HELP! WE NEED YOU LIKE NEVER BEFORE!
I may get called out on this, but if the Bible says it’s wrong, it’s wrong!
Can you not hear the trumpet of fury sounding? I hear the call of Eleazar! 
There’s a rustling in the mulberry trees, where are the Davids!
Where are the unashamed! If there has ever been a time for the army of Gods young people to rise, it’s right now!

He won’t wait on us. His plan will go forth and be carried out regardless if we’re a part. Somebody’s going to do this!
 
Romans 8:19 “ The earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.”
Where are the sons of God? Who will stand and proclaim holiness? Who will keep the old ways alive? Who will sacrifice their life for Gods people? Who will raise the banner of righteousness? Who will say no? Who will turn away and refuse the wiles of modern society? Who will defy this wave of self-proclaimed living? Who will arise? Who will be dedicated? Who will be committed? Who will be sold out? Who will present  the remedy? Who will say “God I need you and I’m nothing without you!” Who stand and proclaim “As for me! And my house! We will serve the Lord!”
This world is falling fast, I REFUSE to go down with the ship!
Who will pray “here I am Lord, send me”?

I’m sorry, I never write like this. I never get this excited behind a keyboard. But my spirit is stirred. I feel the presence of God so strong right now.
Unless we all make some changes and seek God like we never have, we’re hopeless. We’ll be found as worthless junk at life’s yard sale. But somewhere beneath all the worthless junk and corrupt trash, is a remnant! God has a little David on the backside of the dessert who knows no defeat!

 The Apostle Paul said:
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. ~II Corinthians 4:8-11~

He’s not requiring you to be perfect in order to be used, all He asks for is simple obedience. None of us are beyond repentance. And don’t think for a second, that if you’ve already made some of these mistakes, it’s too late. What a misconception. Romans 3:23 tells us that ALL have sinned and fallen short. We serve a massive God who can do abundantly above all we could ask or think. He specializes in forgivness, redemption, and mercy.
May God help us get this right. All I ask is you consider these words, accept the easy challenge of falling on your face and searching for God. You have nothing to lose if it fails.
Open your heart and allow God to come in and renovate.
My payer is that God makes you miserable until you please Him.
My heart and concern is with each of you. I love you all beyond expression. Without you, where would I go and who would I be. Thank you guys for being there. I love you.
May God bless you and me alike. We need Him now more than ever.

~Kyle~

Apostolic Martyrdom

Recently I was researching the death of the Apostles, and discovered that the info was all too interesting. I decided that if I was intrigued, perhaps others would be too. This is not an all inclusive compilation, just simply brief excerpts that I copied and pasted to potentially wet your appetite.
May this inspire you to do further investigation on the history and heritage of our great faith.
Feel free to add or state your opinion, as I am 100% open to discuss this topic.
God bless you, and thanks for reading.

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History reveals that not one of these men, who knew Jesus personally, ever denied their testimony about Him despite the threat and reality of imminent death. This proves to any fair-minded observer that these men possessed an absolute unshakable personal knowledge about the truth of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Each of the apostles were called upon to pay the ultimate price to prove their faith in Jesus, affirming with their life’s blood that Jesus was the true Messiah, the Son of God, and the only hope of salvation for a sinful humanity.

Matthew suffered martyrdom in Ethiopia, killed by a sword wound.

Mark died in Alexandria, Egypt, after being dragged by horses through the streets until he was dead.

Luke was hanged in Greece as a result of his tremendous preaching to the lost.

John faced martyrdom when he was boiled in a huge basin of boiling oil during a wave of persecution in Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered from death. John was then sentenced to the mines on the prison island of Patmos. He wrote his prophetic Book of Revelation on Patmos. The apostle John was later freed and returned to serve as Bishop of Edessa in modern Turkey. He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully.

Peter was crucified upside down on an x-shaped cross, according to church tradition because he told his tormentors that he felt unworthy to die in the same way that Jesus Christ had died.

James the Just, the leader of the church in Jerusalem, was thrown over a hundred feet down from the southeast pinnacle of the Temple when he refused to deny his faith in Christ. When they discovered that he survived the fall, his enemies beat James to death with a fuller’s club. This was the same pinnacle where Satan had taken Jesus during the Temptation.

James the Greater, a son of Zebedee, was a fisherman by trade when Jesus called him to a lifetime of ministry. As a strong leader of the church, James was ultimately beheaded at Jerusalem. The Roman officer who guarded James watched amazed as James defended his faith at his trial. Later, the officer walked beside James to the place of execution. Overcome by conviction, he declared his new faith to the judge and knelt beside James to accept beheading as a Christian.

Bartholomew, also know as Nathanael, was a missionary to Asia. He witnessed to our Lord in present day Turkey. Bartholomew was martyred for his preaching in Armenia when he was flayed to death by a whip.

Andrew was crucified on an x-shaped cross in Patras, Greece. After being whipped severely by seven soldiers they tied his body to the cross with cords to prolong his agony. His followers reported that, when he was led toward the cross, Andrew saluted it in these words: “I have long desired and expected this happy hour. The cross has been consecrated by the body of Christ hanging on it.” He continued to preach to his tormentors for two days until he expired.

The apostle Thomas was stabbed with a spear in India during one of his missionary trips to establish the church in the subcontinent.

Jude, the brother of Jesus, was killed with arrows when he refused to deny his faith in Christ.

Matthias, the apostle chosen to replace the traitor Judas Iscariot, was stoned and then beheaded.

Barnabas, one of the group of seventy disciples, wrote the Epistle of Barnabas. He preached throughout Italy and Cyprus. Barnabas was stoned to death at Salonica.

The apostle Paul was tortured and then beheaded by the evil Emperor Nero at Rome in A.D. 67. Paul endured a lengthy imprisonment which allowed him to write his many epistles to the churches he had formed throughout the Roman Empire. These letters, which taught many of the foundational doctrines of Christianity, form a large portion of the New Testament.

Prayer of humilty

Why? Why me oh God? What have I done? How have I found favor in your eyes? What have I done to cause your redeeming mercy to penetrate the carnal exterior that I wear, and soak into my withered soul? There are many things I am unsure of, yet there are a few that I’m not. Some things, I know. I know I haven’t lived a perfectly clean life. I know I have done many things that shamed you. I know I have let you down. I know I have missed you many times. My ignorance, and my selfishness have gotten in the way more oft than not. My list of failures could cover the sea. Yet you beckon me on… Silence was present. But then, shattering the eerie quiescence was the sound of your calming voice saying: “Come my child, I want you…”
Why do I resist? Why do I draw back? Why am I scared to fully rely on you? I stand awaiting an answer, but in reality, I can answer myself. It is because I am not worthy. Oh God! I am so unworthy…
You have multitudes of people. Why me? What is it that keeps you knocking at my door? Why does it seem like the more I mess up, the stronger I feel you presence? Why is it that, in a time when I should feel alone and forsaken, I feel comforted? Can my mortality fully grasp how marvelous you are? Can the channels of my fragile mind clutch every microscopic display of your entirety?

I examine myself, and I am grieved.
This? This is what you want?
You who spoke our world into existence with the very breath of you majesty?
You, who two thousand years ago performed the surfeit of miracles that still baffle the human mind today?
You who simply walked past the poverty stricken derelicts and caused them to look beyond their misfortune and smell hope?
You…want me?
You are speaking my name?
Forgive me Lord for my procrastination, but my mind simply cannot wrap itself around such a thing.
In my attempt to comprehend you, I stand immersed in your glory and seek answers.
Answers that I will never inherit, because mortal words can not convey the fullness of who you are.
So instead, I just stand.
As I attempt to ingest your beauty, I mutter the words “Yes Lord. Here I am.”
I don’t know what I’m agreeing to. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where you are about to take me. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t get you. Your ways astonish me beyond verbal expression. But I trust you Lord. I have no doubts Lord. Nor do I fear that you are making a mistake. One of the many things I have learned in my short lifetime is that you, in your supremacy, cannot fail.
But the simple fact that you descended your loving, mighty hand into a sea of repulsive humanity and selected me, renders me speechless.
If you speak to no reply, it is not falling on deaf ears Lord. I hear your voice. I am simply at a loss for words. I have yet to learn how to accept such a thing. My prayer is that as I swim in my questions of why, I don’t miss out on your plan for me.
I do trust you Lord. I do want to follow you. Pardon my lack of ability to accept the fact that you in all your majesty would not only forgive me, but want me.

So I stand here oh Lord. Feeling inadequate. Baffled. Perplexed. Confounded. Bewildered. Feeling remorse because of my calling. I don’t deserve it. I have not earned it. But if you want me Lord, if you plan to use me in any way, here I am.
I ask that you allow me to take that, which I have not earned, and pay it off with a lifetime of dedication and submission to Your will.

You’re beautiful Lord. My lips aren’t worthy to breathe the name Jesus.
My eyes are not worthy to behold the manifestation of your love.
The more I try to understand it, the less sense it makes. So I’ll quit Lord. I’ll lay down my inability to see your ways and accept the simple fact that you know what you’re doing.
As I step out of Your way and into Your will, I ask that you cover me. Let me do exactly what You would have me do.
I am here Lord. Worthless and unworthy.
But I am, wholly yours…

Change…(An older post)

Periodically life hands us a ticket to an excursion that we refuse to explore. We learn to deal with many occurrences in the grand scheme of things. Things commonly referred to as impediments, and as you endure them, you learn to adjust. There is one obstruction that I have yet to adapt to… Change. Mr. Change and I do not possess a friendship. In fact, he depresses me. He overwhelms me. He causes my emotions to go into overdrive. His presence is not welcome around me. Only, he makes surprise appearances. He tends to show up unannounced. It seems like the occurrence that hinders us most, is the very one we bathe in. The setback we struggle with the most, is the same one we find ourselves submerged in. To simply state the obvious, life is a roller coaster of change and modification. And although change is difficult, by and large, it appears to be profitable. In the course of the previous few years, I have endured more changes then I care to relive. Other than the faces of my biological family, it seemed as though my entire world had completely dissipated. As a result, I found myself developing anger and bitterness. Although I abhor change, I found myself comparing what I had lost, to what I had gained since this drastic turnaround in my life. I was enthralled. Because I have come to the realization that, despite a few potholes and barriers, I am satisfied. I feel at home. I struggle with many occurrences, but I know without a shadow of doubt that I’m in the heart of God’s will. Since these undesired changes have occurred, I’ve experienced a different form of peace. I’ve been a recipient of Godly maturity. I’ve inherited friends that have changed my life and carried me through some exceptionally difficult times. I have witnessed God consolidate a select group of young people, and I have been a part of that unit. These are custom enhancements that I would have never benefited from had God not pulled me through knotholes and obstructions. I know he brought me through those to keep me in his will. Knowing that, gives me an outstanding sense of comfort. When you reach that place, there is no change in the world that can hinder you. Not to open my arms in expectation of sympathy, but I have been somewhat oppressed recently. If I may, I’d like to reinstate that I struggle with change. And I’ve had a plethora of changes slam me at one time. I found myself falling from the scaffolding of circumstance. I have dealt with them, and handled them, but only because I was offered no ultimatum. I was never given a choice. If that was an option, I would have chosen a different route. If I had known the things I’d go through, I would have never taken this road. That is the very reason God withholds certain things from us. He knows what our carnal minds are capable of accepting. And some things, we simply can not accept. I started to become overwhelmed and disgruntled. I felt that I was sipping from the chalice of misfortune. But as I continued to look through the broken windows of my disconcerted life, I noticed a transition taking place. My most recent change was one that took a drastic toll on me. I have had every reason to lose my temper and ruffle my demeanor with certain individuals.In fact, upon receiving word of this certain situation, I did just that. But thank God I was alone and had plenty of time to cool off. As I lived through this situation, I felt my spirit begin to change. The very ones I wanted to make miserable, were the same ones I found myself trying to accommodate. I felt my vindictiveness turn into empathy.. I take no exaltation for that. God almighty has transformed me. That display was not one of my own. I forced myself to keep an open prayer life with God. And in the times that I wasn’t thankful for my surroundings, I pushed through the veil of my ungratefulness and offered thanks anyways.

In doing so, I felt God slowly inject peace into my situation. It seems that, God moves in the most unexpected times. No doubt, he is a last minute God. When your life is in complete pandemonium and disarray, and relief seems out of sight, that is when God makes an appearance. If it weren’t for change, then indubitably, everything would stay the same. And when an object sits for a long period of time, it becomes permanent. Earthed. Weathered. Stagnant. God is not seeking stiff, stagnant people. He does not need monuments. I recently heard Bro. Neal Morse say: “We have to find total surrender, because that’s where the freedom is.” Enduring the changes of life will help us to break free of our carnal will. When we realize that regardless of how hard we fight, and regardless of how much we resist, regardless of how bad we want something or how determined we are to get it, if God is not in it, then we’re just simply out of luck. If we are out of the will of God, then we may as well hang it up. Change brings surrender. God wants TOTAL surrender from you in every aspect of your life. Your weaknesses, your downfalls, your lack of dedication, your lack of integrity, your finances, your marriage, your job, your habits, your lifestyle, and so on. Until all that is left is flexibility to know and do the perfect will of God. Until you find yourself beating down the walls of complacency, you will be mangled with the bruises of change. God will get your attention. It’s up to you how many blows you take before he does.

IF MY PEOPLE! If my people, called by my name, would HUMBLE themselves. Surrender is part of being humble. When you surrender you’re saying: “…I can’t do this. I don’t know how. I need help…” You won’t say: “I can’t” unless you’re humble. One who is full of pride avoids failure. And Pray! Prayer is a major deficiency in religion today. If you can find time to entertain your flesh for hours upon hours, then shame on you if you can’t find thirty minutes to kneel down before God and exalt him. Am I guilty? Absolutely.

And seek my face! It doesn’t say, seek the face of religious leaders. It doesn’t say, seek the face of Hollywood’s dazzling celebrity’s. It doesn’t say, seek the face of political icons. Maybe I sound fanatical, but we can become so enthralled by what the entertainment world has to offer, that God is knocked way down on our priority list. We can become so in-tune to the things that are coming across the airwaves by society’s most appreciated television ministers, that the voice of God is nowhere to be heard. I’m not taking away from the work these men have, but if we’re not careful, we’ll find ourselves following them instead of Christ. Hence the reason the Apostle Paul said: “Be ye followers of me, as I am of Christ.“ Paul didn’t want the recognition for the work that God was doing through him. Often I wonder if God is not telling us: “Quit talking ABOUT me, and talk TO me.” My Grandmother told me one time, she was driving to work, and she was listening to the local gospel station, and she felt the Lord tell her: “When you turn that off, then I’ll talk to you.” See, sometimes we are too involved with the glittery side of religiosity. God has plenty of pseudo-Christians. Turn from their wicked ways. When you seek the will of God for your life, and you totally surrender to Him, He will show you things that must be laid down. There is a price that must be paid when following the Lord. You can’t serve two masters. You can not hold on to worldly possessions and follow God at the same time. THEN! Then will I hear from Heaven, and forgive their sins, and heal their land! So here it is in a nutshell. You must: Surrender everything. Humble yourself. Seek God’s guidance. Lay aside weights. Leave your past behind. The Lord, in return, will: Heal your doubt. Unlock the chains of bondage. Forgive you of all your past mistakes. Revive and redeem you. Fill you with his perfect peace. Does that sound fair to you? Humble yourselves under he mighty hand of God, and He will exalt you in due (His) time.

God help us to accept these changes so we can find ourselves submerged in total surrender. The Lord gave me a chorus a while back that says:

Help me to accept whatever your will may be So many times, I’ve asked the Lord, How can you possibly Be in the midst of such confusion? And when I don’t get my way Help me to realize, that you’re in control, and praise you anyways.

God’s eyes are open for those who will say: I am willing to go through anything you put me through. Anything I face. I’ll accept anything you throw up against me. I surrender everything to you Lord. If I go happy, if I go burdened. If I go healthy, if I go feeble. If I go with my friends, if I go alone. If I go content, if I go ill-eased. If I go rich, if I go poor. Just to sit at your feet, and speak your name. Just to feel your majestic presence. Just to be touched by your love. Just to know that when I speak, my voice is heard by the messiah. Just to grasp the fact that I can dwell through eternity with the very one who fearfully and wonderfully created me, is worth any change I have to endure.

Lock me up in a prison, and throw away the key. Take away the vision, from these eyes that now can see. Deprive me of the food I eat. Even bind my hands and feet. But as long as I know Jesus, then I can still go free. I can still go free. What kind of man, would reach down his hand, And do this for me. So unworthy to live, and not fit to kill. Then a man on the cross, put me in his will And said that I could still go free. I never could quite understand Why a King would leave his throne. To dawn the robe of an earthly man Just common flesh and bone Then to later trod the lonely path That led to Calvary. The blood-washed stains, took all my chains So that I could still go free.

Scriptural references taken from K.J.V. 2 Chronicles 7:14, 1 Corinthians 11:1, 1 Peter 5:6

Livin’ the dream!

Today as I was working, our Coke man came in to replenish our supply. Upon realizing he was there, I greeted him with a simple “Hey man! What’s happnin?” He responded in a most unusual fashion.
His reply was “Oh, I’m just living the dream brother, how about you?”
I comically responded with, “well I’m not living the dream just yet, but maybe someday!” He responded with “I heard that!” That was pretty much the end of our conversation. In fact, it wasn’t a conversation at all, but rather an informal greeting to acknowledge each others presence.  But his instantaneous comeback plagued me throughout the remainder of the afternoon. “Living the dream!”
To look upon this man, he doesn’t strike the eye as being one with importance or significance. He drives from store to store and refurbishes coke supplies! I’m not in any way criticizing or deprecating him, but rather stating the fact that he does not have a thriving job. People are not 100% dependant on him. When I think of well respected jobs, I think of a heart surgeon, or a firefighter, a paramedic, or a member of the law firm. Maybe even a commercial pilot or school teacher. But somehow, the job title “coke man” does not come to mind. Again, PLEASE KNOW that I am not taking away from this gentleman’s profession. If it weren’t for him, we would have a lynch mob of thirsty, irate customers ready to pounce!
But I would have never put him in the “dream job” category. I also can’t vision anybody laying awake dreaming of becoming a coke deliverer. My index of dream jobs would include a renown musician, or a wardrobe specialist, or perhaps a writer or an actor. A traveling photographer would suffice.
Ken Duncan, world famous photographer of Mel Gibson’s “The passion of Christ”, has worked in many appreciated locations such as Corinth, Bethlehem, Nazareth, Galilee, and Ephesus. Along with many others. He then compiles his photos in a journal-like book, and tops them off with writings from the pens of societies most appreciated authors. Including Beth Moore, Max Lucado, and Billy Graham. He is living my dream!

Sorry, I got carried away in job coveting! Back to Mr. Coke!
He may have simply heard this expression once and coined it as his own, but I looked deeper. I found that, while me may not have a prolific occupation, he is satisfied.
But I am not! I’m not content. Albeit, I’m thankful for the work I have, and thankful for the blessings God has endowed me with, I am nowhere near complacent. I am not living the dream yet.
I began to ask myself, what is my dream? What does it involve? Although I made reference to Ken Duncan, and I highly respect him for who he is. I don’t feel that God is calling me to do such work. So after a few hours of self interrogation, I came to this culmination:
My dream, is to be nestled in the core of God’s perfect will. That is the only answer I could come up with. I don’t know what His plan will incorporate into my life, but I do know it will be right.
My dream is to be employed by God almighty, as a servant for His precious people.
Over the past few months I’ve stayed up later than I would prefer, talking to dear friends of mine as they vented to me, and I to them about mutual concerns and struggles. Every following morning, I struggled to get up and get motivated, but it was well worth it because I felt as if I has accomplished something!
God knows I am NOTHING, but it is a good feeling to know that I am appreciated. And to know that I could do that for the rest of my life. To think that I can be there for those that need me, and lift up the hands of those who are weak, to be a servant for His people. That is the dream! To simply work for the God who is so passionate about me. Be it pastoring a church, or scraping gum from beneath the pews. Or anything few and far between. I want to be in the will of God, whatever it may be. That is the dream friends.
My dream is to kill as much of Kyle Dowell as I can, as fast as I can, and resurrect what little of Christ I may have let die in me. I’ve seen too many people acting as their own shepherds. I see where that takes them. But I place my hand in the hand of a gentle shepherd who will walk in front of me as a leader until I am able to walk beside Him as a friend.
My prayer is that God will hold me in His long, loving arms until I discard all of the attributes that do not depict His passionate, merciful deity. I pray that He will empty me until I am perfected in Holiness.
That, my brothers and sisters, will be living the dream…

Chris Sligh said it best with this beautiful song:

]

I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I’ve tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I’ve seen just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

morning by morning…

Tonight I was invited by Bro. Paul Farmer and his family to join them for service in Elkton. We had a fabulous service, there was such a beautiful spirit of redemption that permeated the sanctuary. The testimonies were absolutely beautiful! Each one stating how God has revived and redeemed. I would love for Bro. Paul to post some excerpts and highlights from the service, if he’s willing. As he took notes, and I was paperless
If I may just share part of the testimony I gave.
I’ve had a rather defeated week. I wish not to bore anybody with mundane humdrum. But this week has been very trying for me. The Lord has surprised me with a few pop quizzes, and I have failed them all. Miserably.
No…see you don’t get it. Like, “fallen flat on the ground” type of failure. Yeah. Total face-plant defeat. There was no chance of me winging these or passing by the skin of my teeth. It was pretty much, total F-plus. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00.
Last night, I attempted to pray. This was more than prayer, this was complete obeisance. I got on my knees, and laid prostrate before my God. I was determined to bombard the throne. That fire was soaked down by a perpetual downpour of guilt. Why is it that remorse hammers on our zeal like torrential rain?
That’s where I was. I felt as though I was getting NOWHERE!
I was like, wow. How ludicrous is this? First off, I’m rather large and this is killing my knees right now. Second off, I could be sleeping! So I did. I prayed a while, and went to bed. This morning, I woke up with the words, “Morning by morning, new mercies I see” flooding my mind.
I was somewhat shocked at the presence I felt. I couldn’t understand why God was with me after the night I had, not to mention the entire previous week!
I began to break down the words of the well appreciated hymn.
I attempted to do some minor research on Thomas Chisholm, the author which penned this song, and very little was entailed of him. But that, in and of itself, spoke volumes to me. Here’s a paste of a specific line I copied:

“According to Chisholm, there were no special circumstances which inspired this song. Just his experience and Biblical truth.”

While most hymns have an incredible back story, this one isn’t quite as fascinating. Its history is more simplified. Though I’m sure there’s much to be told about Chisholm, he appeared to be an altruistic character with a devout love for God’s faithfulness. I imagine him to be a humble recipient of Gods daily mercy. (He was born in Franklin, Kentucky. Just throwin’ a little bone to the locals!)

Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning, new mercies I see
ALL I have needed, thy hand hath provided
Great is thy faithfulness
Lord unto me.

While basking in these lyrics, I realized something. It’s evident that, according to scripture, He supplies us with fresh mercy and redemption everyday. But if we don’t accept it, what good is it? Sometimes our sin-guilt from previous mistakes choke out the mercy He effortlessly tries to give us. Morning by morning. It’s there! Every day He gives it. But the significance is not in the giving of the mercy. But rather the receiving. If my mother cooked me bacon and blueberry pancakes every morning, I would wake up elated, and charge to the breakfast table like a deprived wildebeest. But if I get there, and the table is set, I’m still hungry. Until I reach forward and begin to put food on my plate, I’m just as hungry as I was when I rolled out of bed. It’s not enough to say, morning by morning new mercies I see. But rather, morning by morning, new mercies I embrace.

I question, why me?
Have I done something so incredible to earn His sweet favor? I just can’t find it in me to believe that. Have I done something so marvelous that He says: “You know, I think I’ll just wake Kyle up with a great big bundle of mercy!” I don’t think that’s it either.
For I know myself. I know that I have earned no mercy. None. So what is it? Why me?!
I’ve come to the conclusion that, although there are many mysteries in this world, they can be explained.
The human mind is baffled over many conundrums and enigmas, and though they stump the geniuses and foil the wizards, they’re solvable.
But then, on the divine level, there is no answer or explanation to Gods motive. We cannot fathom, nor wrap our minds around the passionate love God has for us. Eye hath not seen! Ear hath not heard! Mind hath not conceived! (Excerpt from the Gospel according to saint fonzo lol) That should be in there!
But mortal man cannot wrap his mind around the manifold wonders of the almighty God. He has tried. He has failed.
GREAT is thy faithfulness. No…see…not just great, but great to the degree that the human mind, and ALL it’s complexity can not figure out the phenomenon’s of Christ.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that, I can not, and will not, comprehend Him, so I’ll try my luck embracing Him instead.
Lord I don’t know what you’re doing in my life. I’ve miserably failed you. I’ve engulfed myself in preconceived sin, and regardless of the fact that my convictions were raging, I did them anyways. I’ve taken your name and showered it with embarrassment on multiple occasions. I’ve fed the carnality in me until it has surpassed my spirituality in size. I’ve created a beast that I can no longer wrestle. This monster, I can no longer defeat.
Now I have to bury my face in the dirt and travail with you oh God. I’m no longer worthy to look up to you. I realize that what I’m doing is not pleasing to you. The whole time I was committing these sins, I knew I was wrong. I don’t know how I can request your pardon. I don’t know how I can dare approach you. I don’t know how I can even turn my head towards heaven and ask for your intervention. But God…could you somehow descend your loving hand into my abhorrent state of affairs and unravel these knots? Could you somehow make sense of this mess I‘ve created?
Prove to me once again that your mercy supersedes all my inabilities and rekindles the fire that burns in my vessel. Supplant my failures with your victory.
Let me see your mercy Lord, that I may embrace it.

Great is thy faithfulness
Oh God my father
There is no shadow of turning with thee
Thou changest not
Thy compassion’s they fail not
As thou hast been
Thou forever will be

Summer and Winter
Springtime and harvest
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join in all nature in manifold witness
To thy great faithfulness
Mercy and love

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide
Your strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow
Blessings all mine with ten thousand aside

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning
New mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness
Lord unto me…

Enigma

I wrote this a few months back. I’m personally not sure what it means. Fill me in with your feedback.

But she cried alone. Her grief was ignored. Loneliness was no stranger to her. Agony held her hand as they walked in bitter communion. She was well accustomed to the catacomb of dejection. Time played a wrenching game of beggary on her.

In her prime, this victim of sorrow was nothing less than radiant. Every attribute of her elegant face was irreplaceable. Her eyes held the ability to penetrate the soul with their captivating beauty. When she laughed, her cheeks formed the flawless display of integrity. Her mouth commonly stood as a portal that channeled words of peace and redemption. Her lips were so faultlessly crafted to capture attention and consummate her irresistible beauty. Her hands caused you to long for her soft, tender contact. Her touch alone furnished relief and made the deepest concerns of life diminish to nothing. But the corrosion of time and circumstance have morphed her delicate appearance into a weathered victim of spiritual decrepitude. Her eyes traded their gaze for a wearied oppression. Her cheeks slowly lost their radiance and began to cave in. Her lips began to parch and crack as a result of the endless hours she spent in prayer and intercession. Her ceaseless labor has left her gentle, compassionate hands callous and dry…
Her very presence once annihilated the most taunting spirits and injected love in their stead. Her countenance is now worn and frazzled as a result of her many encounters with cruel, brutal time.
Her unsought conversations with death have finally taken their toll and transformed her into someone she never thought she’d be. She devoted year after year of her life working for the Lord, and all she has to show for her tireless effort is wrinkled flesh and scarred emotions.

Who will cry for her? Who will step up for this pale product of animosity?

It is not death she fears. Deaths tyranny is no stranger to her. She meets with death every morning while pleading with her messiah. At her every chance of interceding, death is there sharpening his tongue on the jagged edge of failure and deceit. The continual blows from deaths’ adversities have left her contorted and starved. Her solitary purpose for living was to simply offer alleviation to those who loved her. Where are those who love her? Does anybody love her? Does anybody hear her? Will anybody help her? Will anybody love away the pain she’s harbored? Will anybody wrap their arms around her cold, spiritless body? Who will whisper soothing words into the ears that have absorbed so many tantalizing declarations?

WHO? Who will step up? Who will cry for her?

Grieved by the repulsive stench of rejection, I slowly approached this martyr of melancholy love. The closer I got, the more affliction permeated from every pore of this tainted beauty. I stretched forth my hand and brushed the hair from her face.
As she began to turn her eyes upward, I, with the accompaniment of my sleeve, wiped the tears from her eyes.
She looked me over with painstaking apprehension as I began to caress her face with gentle strokes of concern.
Capturing each tear as they slid down the fissures of her cheeks, I felt her blanket of lamentation subside. I took her granular hands in mine as I slowly leaned in to kiss her weathered cheek.
Deviated by her eyes, I silently stared until my curiosity overwhelmed me.

“Who are you…” I asked in a near whisper.

It seemed as though my question had fallen upon deaf ears. I stood pondering the reception of my question, fearing I had made a mistake. My mortality inspired me to keep my silence, but the agony in my heart insisted I ask again. So with an undertone voice I asked, “Who are you?” She canvassed my face with silent serenity as she furthermore wept. The question remained. While choking back my emotions I muttered yet again “please…tell me who you are…”

After brief hesitation, in a voice that exposed much torture and destitution, she replied: “I…am your mother.”

A numbness rested upon my tongue as I attempted to speak, only to be met with the inability thereof. Another tear struck the ground as she reinstated herself.

“Your mother…I am your mother.
You loved me. Our relationship was cast with gold. Our bond was inseparable. We had an iron unity.
But through your independence you forgot me. You left me. You walked away from me, stabbing me through the heart. Your apostasy crippled me, leaving me with only a handful of brutal words. Words that declare my inability to satisfy your ambitions. Words that told me I didn’t meet your criteria. Despite the time I have invested in you, you deserted me anyways. I loved you, you left me.
With each unfortunate decision, a wrinkle was conceived. With each act of greed, a blemish was born.
The allegiance to your barbaric lifestyle has nearly crippled me to the point of death. Your absence has suppressed my very life…” 

I stood deathly still as guilt and oppression overwhelmed me. Fighting back an ocean of tears, I avoided any form of eye contact.

“Weep not…” she said through a smile. “The weight of this defiance must not rest on your shoulders alone, for all of my children follow the same systematic path of rejection. They love me with immeasurable love. They speak of me incessantly. They introduce me to every sojourner they encounter. Then they grow complacent with me, and relinquish me from their world. The very ones who tell me they’ll never leave me, are the first to leave me. Although they love me, they never understand my peculiarity. As long as I feed them, as long as I pamper them, as long as I gratify their every petition, they’re content. But the instant I choose not to deliver, the moment I refuse to pour out my luxuries, they become insubordinate and disgruntled. I assumed after the surfeit of years I’ve invested, that I would have enough mercy and compassion credited to my name. Unfortunately, it appears otherwise.
It distresses me to see my children whom I love so relentlessly turn out so gluttonous. They love me when its convenient. They come to me when its self-profitable. Their dejection is driven by guilt. The discomfort of knowing that I will disapprove of their lifestyle causes them to avoid me. In attempt to standardize their own regime, they end up a mangled, battered mess. In the core of this condition, they come crawling back to me. I welcome them with open arms. I accept them time and again. Regenerate them, untangle them, redeem them, doctor them, heal them, restore them, and they leave me once more.
How Long? How long am I required to do this? Who will break this mold? I have been sparing and sympathetic, but your Father does not endorse this ritualistic behavior. He is not pleased. He is not impressed. He’s not mad, he’s hurt. He’s not angry, He’s disappointed.”

 The floodgates had opened. I now stood in her presence, sobbing and mourning uncontrollably. Guilt and remorse radiated from me like a summer fog above placid waters.
As I hung my head, I noticed a puddle of tears near my feet. As I stared into my reflection, a sinister image was glaring back at me. I realized I was not myself. I had warped my mother beyond recognition.
Still unable to speak, I felt my eyes begin to scan this delicate result of circumstance as sorrow emerged from each and every pore.
I was frantically wiping away my torrential outflow of tears when she extended her hand towards me.
She began to catch each tear as they fell, just as I had done for her only moments before.

“I loved you…when you were unlovable. I kept you when nobody else wanted you. When there was no other to offer you the solace that only a mother can deliver, I embraced you. I held you to me. I cradled you. I nourished you from my very breast. I comforted you even when you were away. I reached for you when you were voted unreachable. I held out my hand for you. All you had to do was take it. Your hands were full…
I’m still reaching. I’m still waiting. The drumbeat of this mundane war between oblivion and acceptance resounds. I am on a mission, my quest remains. Your father asked one favor of me. His solitary request…was that I bring you home…