My apology. (Please read)

In all honesty, I’m not sure how to even start this. I rarely find it hard to sit down and put a handful of words together and make something legible out of it, yet this seems to be one of the hardest letters I’ve ever written.
I want to begin by saying how much I appreciate the people in my life. I have been blessed to know some of the most amazing people on the face of this earth.
However, that being said, I owe you all an apology.
I have more than failed to conduct myself the way that I should. I have so much foolishness and immaturity that I need to overcome. This has been a reoccurring problem for too long. My actions and my conduct have offended many. I have disappointed some of the very ones the mean the most to me. I have left a bad taste in a lot of peoples mouth. I know that.
The hardest part, is that I can’t take any of it back. I can not change what has already happened.
My biggest regret, is that I have let God down. If His people aren’t pleased with my actions, it seems impossible for Him to be.
The difference is, He knows my heart. Good and bad. He sees it all. And although He has been disappointed with the things I have done, He’s a merciful friend. That is the only reason I am still around.
If I could go back and do things differently, I most certainly would.

I am a very ignorant, free spirited person. I like things my way. I like to be in full control.
And honestly, I never saw a problem with that. I looked at myself as just “an okay person.”
How foolish of me.
God has been holding a mirror in front of me, and showing me the way He sees me.
I have not been impressed. At all. In fact, I have been quite disgusted.
I’m seeing things in me that I never knew existed. I’m not altogether sure why I’ve been ignorant to them, considering I’ve been told countless times. Through the years, from golf cart rides to advisory luncheons,  I’ve been told time and again that I needed to change a lot of things.  And I have completely disregarded all guidance. Not so much because I didn’t trust them, or just wanted to rebel, but more so because I did not see myself. 
I am so sorry.
Until you see yourself, and your problems, it’s impossible to change.
Believe me when I say, God is showing me. I’m squirming and burning, but I can’t get away. My only other option now is to yield.
A friend of mine told me recently that I have two personalities. A deep, spiritual, considerate side. And a loud, foolish, obnoxious side.
As much as I wanted to defend myself, I had nothing to stand on. How to you debate truth?
It amazes me that the very ones who have tried to help me over and over again, have yet to give up on me. I can certainly say that I would have long ago.
Truth is. I’m tired of defending myself. I’m tired of justifying myself. I’m tired of painting this picture of pseudo holiness.
I’m ready to live the life I portray. I’m ready to be real. I’m ready for God to be pleased with me and my actions.
I don’t plan to be ‘failure free’ from now on. I don’t claim a divine conversion that has revolutionized my life or anything like that.
God doesn’t always speak in a booming voice. It’s the still small voice that holds the most power.
So I am sure that I will mess up again, probably before the sun goes down.
But rest assure. I am trying!
Please believe me, I truly am.
I am listening to the counsel I am being given. Some by God, and some by very wise patriarchs in my life. I have eaten a bit of crow over the past few weeks. I’ve burned and wriggled some. But this is my last resort. I’ve done it my way. I’ve trusted in myself and my own intellect. And I have fallen time and again. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of bucking. I’m ready to step out and trust the order I’ve been placed in.
I am far from perfect. But with your forgiveness, and a few prayers, perhaps I can move closer to that objective. Not because I am worthy of it, because I’m most certainly not. I have nothing to offer, save what God has given me.
My whole life, every struggle, every trial, every obstacle, has contributed to my testimony. From birth to date, every event was nothing less than the composing of my testimony. These things are absolutely necessary in order for me to even have an account that God can use. But what good is a testimony if my actions have diluted my impact? What value does my story hold if my salt has lost its savor?
God help me!
I haven’t held on my entire life just to lose the testimony God has given me. But if the listeners are skeptical due to my conduct, then I have failed as a Christian. And I most certainly have at times.
I humbly ask you all. If I have ever, through an event or an action, offended you or disappointed you, I am so terribly sorry. I was so wrong.
I can’t lose you people. You’re all that I have.
My intentions have never been to blatantly offend. My ignorance and free-willed determination has left a bloody trail of upset people. I have no idea how to take it all back or make it all right. Truth is, I can’t. This is only a starting place, but I must begin somewhere. I covet your forgiveness.
I plan to do a lot of things differently in the future.
If you see me regressing in to my old habits, please feel free to correct me. Keep me in check. I need your prayers.
I love you all so very, very much. You people are my lifeline. I don’t know what I would do without this wonderful people. Thanks for never giving up on me.
I aim to do this right, I want to make it.
I ask one more favor. If you are aware of anybody that has possibly been offended by me, please make sure they get a copy of this. I have absolutely no way of knowing who all I have offended. I want to exhaust all resources in attempt to right the wrongs.
I did not write this letter for ANY other reason than to resound my request for your forgiveness. Please do not extend any sympathy or elevation towards me. That was not my purpose.
Thanks for everything. Again, I sincerely apologize.
Please pray that God would continue to show me and help me.
I want to make it.
Oh I want to see Him, look upon His face.
There to sing forever of His saving grace.
On the streets of glory, let me lift my voice.
Cares on passed, home at last.
Ever to rejoice.

As Christ loves the church. (My reflections on dating)

It’s a bit out of character for me to write on this particular topic. I typically refrain from stating my viewpoints for the simple fact that very few may agree. There is such a diversity in opinions and advice when it comes to dating and relationships. The following text is simply my outlook on the issue and is to only be received as such.

I’ve answered the questions countless times.
“Why don’t you date?” or “When are you going to find yourself a woman?” or my favorite is, “Hey Kyle, want me to hook you up with someone?”
As much as I appreciate the concern, no thanks. First of all. I’m not a big fan of friends hooking up friends. However, I realize there are times where the Lord deals with an individual about a potential couple. I’m not taking away from that. But when you exhaust your resources trying to find a mate for your buddies, you’re leaving God completely out of the equation. Match-making is His job. To suggest or advise is one thing, but to “make it happen” is another. I want no part of that.

The Lord dealt with me early on about dating and marriage. For the record, marriage is a word I attempt to leave idle. I figure I’d best work on the dating part first.
I deal with attraction and emotions just as strongly as any other young male. There’s a huge part of me that wishes I could just forget about my convictions and snag me up a girlfriend. But there’s another part of me that can’t seem to disobey Gods counsel.
I’ve seen relationships fail time and again. I’ve seen close friends hang their heads in guilt and regret because of their relationship choices. And while I don’t hold that against them, I hope to beat the odds. I realize that I’m subject to fail just like anybody else. If ever I do, please spare me some mercy. But at this point, the Lord has kept me and held me safe of those mistakes. It is only because of His grace and mercy that I‘m standing, and may I NEVER pretend that it was my own accomplishment.

The Apostle Paul instructed the church at Ephesus to love as Christ did. “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.”
The more I read Paul’s writings, the more wisdom becomes evident. I believe I can put my confidence in his counsel, as it came through him from the Lord.
If I casually date, or take advantage of the privilege, then I am in no way loving her as Christ loved the church. That recommendation is completely disregarded the moment I start flirting with girls that I have no intentions of being with.
I want to love my wife with purity, whomever she may be.
I want to offer her all of me, not just what is left over from a string of past relationships.
The more I give away now, the less I have to offer my mate.
A while back, bro. Billy Brown preached a message on the topic of purity that has left a permanent mark with me. He was making reference to young couples crossing boundaries. He stated that any relationship held together by lust or sexual activity will never last. He said: (paraphrasing from the best of my recollection) “When you become familiar with each other, and cross God’s boundaries, your relationship will crumble. Then as you both grow older, supposing you repent, receive forgiveness, and stay in the church, you’ll have to continue to face each other for years to come. What happens when that young girl you fooled around with becomes a song leader? Can you watch her sing and play the piano and not feel uncomfortable? When that young man you expressed liberty with becomes a minister, can you listen to him preach and not feel awkward? Obey the boundaries the Holy Ghost establishes.”
 

We as called out young men in this body can not settle down with just ‘any’ girl. She has to have an understanding of the work God has called us to. She has to have a vision and revelation of the what time frame we’re living in and where the church is headed.
The same goes for the young ladies. If God has called you to this work, you can’t settle for smooth talking, muscular jocks who just make you feel good. If we are going to dedicate ourselves to Christ, and work in the order He’s called us, then casual dating is not an option. This is serious business. We’re diluting our calling. And when we get caught up in relationship drama, we’re not only robbing ourselves of our gift, but we’re robbing the church as a whole.

When I was eighteen, my good friend Jonathan Durr passed along some advice that was completely ludicrous to me at the time. He told me that a man would be wise to wait until he was at least twenty three or twenty four years of age before considering a courtship. I laughed at him. When I was eighteen I knew I wasn’t ready to date, but I also knew I wasn’t going to wait that long. I am now twenty one, and dating is still out of the question. Between that time and now, my life has taken SO many changes. I realized that I had no clue who I was then. Apparently Jon’s counsel was directly on point.
My only reason for bringing that up is to say, when you’re younger, you’re convinced that you have life figured out. You’re positive that you know who you are and what you want. Please consider this. You don’t. I promise you, you don’t. Between eighteen and twenty one, the Lord completely transformed my thinking process. And He still is. I’m certain that in two or three more years, I’ll be saying the same thing all over again.

My goal in life right now is to fall in Love with Christ.
If I can’t fall in love with Him, then I don’t deserve to date any of His daughters.
If I can’t learn to love Him with unconditional passion, then I am not qualified to be a Godly husband. And neither are you.
At one time, I thought I knew how to love Him. I thought my life was where it needed to be, my ducks were in a perfect row, and I was ready to pave my future. In my arrogance, I let my guard down. And naturally, the female aroma infiltrated my hormonal nostrils. I got caught up in all these thoughts and emotions and made a huge mess of everything. It has taken me months upon months to clean it all up. I’ve vowed to labor in another field. I want to fall in love with Jesus all over again. I want to impress Him. I want Him to be pleased with me. I want Him to smile every time He looks at me. I can’t stop until His thoughts are my thoughts, and His ideas are my ideas. Until I can’t get Him off my mind, and until I can’t go anywhere with talking about Him, I’m not ready to start a life with anybody.

I’ve prayed many times, “Lord, when you do send me a companion, let me love her like You do. Help me to appreciate her the way You do.”
Not only will she deserve love, but also credibility for putting up with me and all my problems.
If I can’t love her as He would, then my relationship will fail. The same method applies to you.

I’ve also been asked “What are your preferences in a woman?”
I can’t quite seem to answer that question. I want her to meet the criteria that I stated earlier, but to say I’ve set out personal preferences is not altogether true. I have to have faith that if God has joined us together, no lack of preference will separate us.
One simple theory that we cannot seem to grasp, is that God is highly capable of making our decisions for us. He knows exactly what we need, and exactly who to send. If we could just realize that. We don’t know how to let God make our decisions for us. It is so much easier to give Him the reigns instead of stressing over which move to make.
I’ve read book after book on dating advice. Eric and Leslie Ludy, Michael and Debbie Pearl, Joshua Harris, just a few of the great authors who changed a lot of outlooks on dating. These books are fantastic reads and I don’t want to depreciate their value in any way. But at the end of the day, I’ve learned that God, and only God could lead me into the relationship that He wants me in. He is the best counselor. Next in line is my Pastor and his wife. I, as well as many of you, have Godly parents to turn to as well. These are the tools given to shape our spiritual dating life. Let’s take advantage of them.

I can’t wait to be a husband. I’m eager to become a father. But even more so, I want it to last. I want to get it right the first time. If I fail to apply the God-appointed order, I’m asking for trouble.
God help us get this right!

Recently I was talking to Joshua Turrentine, a close friend of mine, and he gave me a few sobering pointers. He said a companion is meant to be a help-meet, not a help-complete. She is meant to accelerate our relationship with God. She is not required to perfect us.
All too often we feel empty or lonely, so we turn to the wrong alternative. The problem is not a lack of female involvement, but rather a lack of contentment with God.
I’ve seen good couples break up because they just couldn’t make it work with each other. I think the problem is typically handed off to the companion, when all the while the problem is a lack of Godly direction in the relationship.
Put God first.
If He is not the sole authority in your relationship, expect a split. It will not work any other way.

Just a few more opinions in closing.
I ran this thought past Kyle Morgan and Jordan Evans a few months ago, just to make sure I wasn’t crazy for feeling this way. Their exact words to me were: “Absolutely.”
It was comforting to know I wasn’t alone!
So from the unanimous guys perspective:
 Let him do the pursuing!
If he is interested in you, he’ll let you know it somehow or another.
When a girl pursues me, or makes it a point to go out of her way to impress me, that instantly raises a red flag.
That is my job. I am not fascinated or impressed by a girl who aggressively pursues me. 
And to the girls, if a guy is receptive of abrasiveness, there may be a reason. Be careful.
Being patient is the hard part. A couple days ago, Daniel Brockman comically said to me, “Where are all the in-betweeners? There’s a huge group of older girls, and an even larger group of young girls, where’s our age bracket?”
It does seem that way at times. It tends to get frustrating because at times there seems to be nobody. And I’m sure you’ve all felt that way. But have hope. God will deliver just in time. 
Sis. Kathy Harr jolted some sobering words into me last week. I walked by her, not paying her any attention when she reached out and took my arm. “Kyle, don’t even think about settling down with some last minute girl. God has brought you too far, and now is not the time to give up. He has somebody perfect for you, hang on just a little while longer. Just give it a little more time. He has a job for you to do, and He won’t make you do it alone! Just give Him time to work.” Tears were rolling down her face, and I was fighting them away myself. I needed to be reassured so badly. And now I’m passing on her advice to you. Just a little while longer. God has called this group of young people to do a mighty work! He will not make us go alone. He will supply our help-meet as soon as we’re ready.
Until then, let us spend every moment learning what it means to fall passionately in love with the one who loves us unconditionally.
I want to do this right! And I know you do too. Even to the ones who have erred from doing things in order, let God make the difference. He’s a perfect redeemer. That’s what He does. Let Him do His job. Our guilt and stress has hindered God from using us long enough.
I can’t rest until I know I’m nestled in the core of His will. I admonish you to do the same. Is there any other way?
The psalmist penned it so beautifully. He perfectly captures the love and concern that God has for us. As you read this, forget all about your petty problems and realize God is crazy about you and has no intentions of leaving you alone.

O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me. Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off. Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether. Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it. Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee? I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting…
~Psalm 139~

Change me…

Change me Lord.
My spirit. My will. My nature.
Break me.
Open me up and expose me to me.
Let me see all that I am, and all that I am not.
Renovate me.
My heart. Make it humble. Meek. Temperate. Gentle.
My character. Make it soft. Broken. Merciful. Real.
My mind. Make it pure. Moral. Clean.
And my spirit Lord. Zealous. Passionate. You.
Retire with my soul. Make me concrete. Solid. Sold out.

I’m tired Lord. I’m so tired.
I’m weary. I’m wayward. I’m despondent.
I’m thirsty. I’m parched. I’m cracked.
Fix me.

I’ve repented.
I’ve fallen upon Your mercy.
I’ve relied on Your forgiveness.
Enough is enough.

Back to the outer courts.
Back to the laver.
Back to the looking glass.
It stinks here.
It’s hot here.
I don’t belong here.
I left long ago.
Home?
Anywhere but here.

Your temple.
I’ve been there.
How innocent.
How virtuous.
How…familiar.

One day?
Perhaps I’ll come when I can stay.
In and out. Back and forth.
Me.

Please.
Change my heart oh God.
Make it ever true.
Cast me not away.
Take not Your holy spirit from me.
Renew me.
Unworthy.

I don’t deserve You.
I don’t understand You.
Me? A beggar.
You? A wonder.

Where?
Where can I go to hide from Your grace?
What corner of the earth provides escape?
If You’d leave me alone, perhaps I would be at ease.
Unlikely.

Never.
You never give up.
You never forget.
You hold me.
You ease me.
You comfort me.

Mind blowing?
Your grace.
Your mercy.
Your redemption.
Your tolerance.

Love. You…love me.
You want me. I need you.
I am willing.
I give You my all.
I surrender.

Nothing.
I have nothing.
But it’s Yours.

Hold me.
Correct me.
Chasten me.
Embrace me.
Change me.
Oh God… Change me.

Mt Carmel 2009!

Wow. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year already.
I realize that everyone is getting excited and restless due to the upcoming meeting, I know I certainly am.
Last Sunday my pastor, Bro. Wills read the welcoming letter that Bro. Peach sent out to the general churches.
I, for one, was very impressed. It only further increased my excitement.
For those that haven’t heard the guidelines, they are prohibiting the use of electronic devices during the services. Such as ipods, mp3s, cameras, cell phones, etc.
While that may sound like a bit much, or a little too strict, consider a few things.
If you read the order of the new testament church, you won’t find these hindrances. Don’t get me wrong, I realize they had problems just like we do. I’m not undermining that. But they didn’t have to pump and prime for the first 45 minutes of the service because they were wrapped up in a text conversation. I don’t believe they ever came to church irritated because the newest iphone application didn’t install correctly. Again, don’t take me narrowly. I own an ipod myself, and I text like none other. I don’t see a thing wrong with either. But I do endorse the decision made by Bro. Peach 100%. The church is not a place to listen to your ipod or send picture messages.
If the only reason you make the effort and spend the money to attend, is to “keep it real with your peeps” or text each other all service, then your motives are wrong. Fellowship is great, but should be understood as your secondary motivation.
In Luke 8, we find the account of Jairus. I won’t go too deep into this passage, but I think the same principle applies here. When Jesus entered the room after assuring them the girl was only asleep, they laughed Him to scorn. Because of their unbelief, Jesus escorted them out. He didn’t want any doubts or distractions in the room as He took this need before the Father. Such is the same now. When we come before Him at these meetings, or any other time for that matter, we are asking Him to take our needs to God on our behalf. We are pleading with Him to intercede for us. How rude, selfish, and disrespectful is it to ask pardon from such royalty, while we play with our toys and crowd Him right out after working so hard to get Him in? We hardly leave a spot open for Him.. And when He does come in, we don’t know what to do with Him!
If I may, I’d like to share an incident that grieved my spirit immensely. I was at a youth meeting not long ago, and I was standing on the platform looking out over the young people who were up front praying with each other. As I scanned the crowd, I noticed a young girl who looked to be about 16 or 17. She caught my attention because, she had one hand on the back of another young lady who was praying, and the other hand wrapped around her cell phone as she was texting. I was very bothered and offended. But what grieved me even more, is that she was one of many. I noticed several young people, up front praying with others, while texting continuously.
My initial reaction was “Are you serious??”
Listen guys, we don’t have time to play games with this. This is not an activity that we attend just because we’re out of school or off of work. This is life and death! This is our eternity! This is our future!
If your conversation is that important, then take it outside. Don’t bring it right to the front where people are interceding and crying out to God. And most certainly, don’t play with your phone while praying with a saint! Do you really think God is honoring a prayer that is squeezed in between text messages?
I can’t say that I have never texted in church. That would be a lie. I have been known to, I am certainly not exempt. But I most definitely have never halted the operation of the service so I can respond to an irrelevant text while laboring with a saint in need. Either way, that’s no excuse. I’m working on eliminating all distractions as well. And for the past several weeks I have been leaving my phone in the car, or turned off completely, and I have noticed a tremendous difference. Texting in a slow service is bad enough, and I’m guilty as charged. But texting while the Holy Ghost is falling and peoples needs are being met is unacceptable.
Justin Beck said: “If God was in our presence i wouldnt want to be standing there saying “God, could u hold on one sec? i need to send this txt…”
God will only be as serious about this as you are. If you’re not empty and open, then you’re not leaving Him much room for a blessing. This change is one that will effect many of us, but I can’t help but believe that God will reward our efforts. Let’s work on this together.
If you go to this meeting with every intention of bending the system, and proceeding with your distracting habbits, consider this. If the spirit is hindered in any way because of your rebellion, one of your fellow youth members could walk away from this meeting without receiving what they came for. You certainly don’t want that held to your account.
And to clarify any misconception, Bro. Peach did not say that you couldn’t bring them to Mt. Carmel, he just requested that we not use them during service. Bro. Peach is a very loving, caring, gentle man with a huge heart. But he also has a deep concern for this generation that requires him to be abrasive. And rightly so. I’ll be the first to say, I NEED HELP!
God is handing this work down to his young people, and we are FAR from ready. We have allowed petty, irrelevant things to barge in and cloud up this vision that God has given to us.
I think it’s time to start reclaiming our ground. We DO NOT have time to play church. We DO NOT have time replace God with our devices and distractions. We need God’s help in a mighty, might way.
So before I ramble on and bore everyone who is reading, I’ll wrap it up.
My expectation of this meeting, is for us to go in pumped up, prayed up, excited and most of all ready for God to move! Be prepared to work. All too often we expect everyone else to do the work, while maybe it’s your turn. You have just as much right to stand and give thanks as anybody else. Never miss a chance to share what God has done, He may not do it again.
So let’s obey Bro. Peach. Lets leave all distractions alone, and allow Gods’ spirit to rush in and change us. I don’t see any reason why we can’t have another upper room experience. I don’t see why we can’t have another jubilee like they had some 50 years ago. The only thing hindering Gods power to move, is us. Lets get serious! Lets lay aside every weight and give God the room and the liberty He deserves. I love to hear young people speak, I love to hear the band play, I love to hear singing and testimonies, I love the way we have church. But even more, I love the way GOD has church! So can we ready our minds and hearts for divine provision? I suggest you not even step foot in the building until you have talked with God and pleaded with Him for an arrival. He’s a gentleman. He must be invited.
Let’s go expecting revival, and obligate God to move.
“Build your barns my friend, prepare to store the grain. The clouds are coming in, and I know it will rain.”

____________________________________________________________________________________

I have felt a desire to fast over this meeting for quite some time. I don’t normally make that known, as I believe that should be kept private. But my reasoning for mentioning, is several others have said they felt to do the same thing.
I highly recommend it.
It’s greedy of you to just come and expect, without laboring and giving in return.
I personally felt to give up all internet connections for at least 5 days. I will be fasting from food as well. (Not all 5 days, not quite that strong yet
After this Weds, I will not be online for a while. Feel free to text or call me if you need me. If you don’t have my number, ask me before Weds or get it from somebody else.
If you’re willing to join me in this, please state in a comment.
If you do not feel led to fast, that is QUITE alright.
Last year we took volunteers from those who were willing to take one day a week, for the next 3 weeks approaching the meeting, and pray off and on all day. If you’d like to do that, it would be greatly appreciated. If you’re open to that, state what day you would like have.
Our goal is to have somebody praying every day until the meeting.
PLEASE!! Pitch in and do your part. We’re in this thing together. Lets act like it!
I am excited to see what God has for us.
Thanks for reading and cooperating.
I love you all SO much.
I owe my life to you.

THAT DARN CAT! {volume 2}

I love cats. They serve so many purposes, and make fantastic pets. Cats are, hands down, my favorite pick of the four legged species…
 
Ok. I’m sure I didn’t pull that off at all, as I have previously expressed my depreciation for the feline existence. Simply put. I hate cats.
I have come to terms with the simple fact that God in all His sovereignty, takes the very things we dislike the most, and educates us.
In part one of this, mini-series if you will, I gave hesitant gratification to an animal in which I, abrasively speaking, cannot stand.
But as long the Lord continues to speak to me, I’ll accept it from whatever source He chooses to use.

A  few months ago, my entire family became fed up with this bothersome feline and collectively voted to relegate her from the family.
My father then loaded her up in his pickup, drove her to a nearby public park, and dropped her off. The humane society was close, the weather was gorgeous, and the park was loaded with families and children. Tada! There. Mission accomplished.
A few days later, as I’m in the kitchen fixing my breakfast, guess who is winking at me through the window?
That darn cat!
Feeling as though I was an unbeknownst character in an Edgar Allen Poe skit, I blamed it on the morning. I walked to the back door, took a good look, and then embraced the shockwave.
“You have GOT to be kidding me!!”
I went into my parents room and expressed my abashment to them when I realized they were laboring under the same disconcertment.
I’m not sure how she found her way home, I’m not sure what serious of events she went through to get here, I’m not sure how soon after her drop-off that she decided to give it a shot, all I know is she’s here. And more annoying than ever.

It baffles me, even to this day, how that vexatious creature performed such an act. I’ve heard stories of families moving two and three states away leaving their dogs behind, only to find them in their front yard weeks later.
This inspired a bit of research. I was quite amazed at some of the incredible stories I unearthed.
Much of the following information I found on the online discovery channel portal. These are just general facts.
My favorite, was a special I found on sea turtles.
Soon after entering the world, they depart from their hatching grounds and begin to roam the ocean wide. The average sea turtles do not reach sexual maturity until they are twenty five to thirty years old. After reaching this point, they then return to the exact hatching grounds for breeding.
Think of that. They depart while mere hatchlings, and return the exact spot some thirty years later.
I still get lost in the mall!
Next to the sea turtles was the brown pelican. The narrator pointed out that the key element of their tracking instinct is their vision. He stated that special magnetic sensors have been identified in the retina, allowing them to cover hundreds of miles worth of unchartered waters before returning to their home place.

I’m sorry, This series is about cats. You’re right.
It just so happens, I found a few personal cat adventures as well. These stories embarrass mine.
Pillsbury, an eight year old English cat, made his way back home after crossing busy highways and a herd of cattle.
Sooty, a Persian, found his way back to his old home after his family in England moved more than one hundred miles away.
Ninja, the tomcat who moved with his owners from Utah to Washington State in 1996, holds the round trip record thus far. He disappeared shortly after arriving in his new home, only to return a year later at the old Utah address, some eight hundred and fifty miles away.

Maybe this doesn’t fascinate you as much as it does me. My apologies if I’ve bored you.
But God has crafted these creatures with abilities that are, to me, incomprehensible.
In all actuality, it’s not the animal instincts that fascinate me, but rather our striking similarity.
Sometimes we fall into addictions and sins that shame the Lord. Sometimes we make selfish decisions that grieve our Holy Ghost. Sometimes we get so deep in our problems that we don’t bother to repent or seek Gods counsel. “What’s the use? It’s not like He’s going to help me anyways. And, I’m definitely going to do it again tomorrow. Why waste my time, or His for that matter.”
But it stands to reason, that no matter how far out we get, or how overwhelmed in sin we become, we always know where to resort to.
The old saying goes: “You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink”. This is entirely true, but if you lead him there enough, he’ll know where to go if he gets thirsty.
We have an endless reservoir. God, through His divine spirit, has given us the opportunity to drink from His mercy at any given time.
Once we’ve experienced that, and once we’ve been a recipient of His redemption, we’re branded. We belong to our Father. We’re not slaves, nor are we prisoners. But we are marked. No matter where we go or what we do, we’ll always have the indwelling of His spirit.
Much like the animals previously mentioned, we too have a homing device. While we may not explore every facet of the underwater world, or soar through the warm air above the salty seas, we never forget where home is.
All too often, a sanctified, Holy Ghost filled child of God, becomes derailed buy the enticement of society.
From a puritan to a prisoner.
A Sunday saint, a Monday sinner.

ALL have sinned. ALL have fallen short. ALL have yielded to transgression.
And ALL have fallen at His mercy. If you’re exempt from these, brace yourself. You’re not too spiritual to endure tribulation. If you think for a moment that you have hi-balled distress, my prayers are with you. You’re due for a rather rude awakening.
But there’s good news! We can not fail the Lord!
We can’t outlive Him. Yet we can’t live without Him.
He refuses to leave. His love for us in incomprehensible. His arm is never too short to brush off fallen man. That’s MY God.
He’s not so pushy that He prevents us from drifting, yet He’s not so austere that He leaves in our despair.
We’ve been given a spiritual GPS if you will. We never seem to have any trouble finding Him when we need Him. Regardless of the shame and embarrassment we’ve induced.
I think of my own life and testimony. How many times I have drifted from the will of Him who created me. I’ve ran from Him. I’ve abandoned Him. I’ve forsaken Him. I’ve ignored Him. I’ve faded Him out. I’ve rejected Him. I’ve disobeyed Him. I’ve longed for Him. I’ve cried for Him. I’ve pleaded with Him. I’ve heard from Him. I’ve even felt His arms around me.
All this, while sitting in the same spot. Born in the church, raised in the church, sheltered by a Godly home and family, even yet, polluted by the perversion of modern society.
Listen.
Your surroundings have nothing to do with your salvation. It’s a choice. And nobody besides you can, or will, make that decision for you.
You MUST have a made up mind. Once you’ve made up your mind, there’ll be no stopping you. You’ll still be hurt and wounded, and you’ll still face complications. But you’ll never have to search for home again, because you’ll be a permanent resident.

I thought about the cat a bit more. I almost felt pity for her. After championing such a momentous journey, she deserved a little break. I kinda chuckled over the situation, wondering if her unsophisticated mind could gather that she wasn’t wanted by any of us. I praised her for her perpetual desire to be an active part of the Dowell family. She stays in the yard. She doesn’t eat much. She makes little noise. She’s nearly insignificant.
She does, however, do lots of little annoying things. But to say she’s a threat of any kind is unreasonable.
I’ve prayed so many times: Lord, I realize I’m a pest. I know I fail miserably. I know people must get annoyed with me, or grow tired of me and my foolish ways. I’m sure there are times when nobody wants me around.
But would you keep me anyways Lord?
I’ve fought, wrestled, and struggled with my very life to stay in this family. I’ve refused so many things to be here. I’ve resisted my own will to stay in yours. I’ve crossed too many highways. I’ve crawled through too many fields. My vision is sharper and clearer now more than ever! Can I stay Lord?…Please?
I’ll try not to make too much noise. I’ll try to just blend in. I don’t have to be seen. I don’t have to play a big part. So long as I can be near You for eternity.
My goal is to be part of the stonework in Your Kingdom. But if all I am is a single piece of mulch in the courtyard of Heaven, so be it.
Home is where the heart is. My heart is to die as a servant for Your righteousness.
And one day, my homing device will lead me beyond the mortal life I lead, into a realm of eternal glory.
I am ever grateful for the perpetual desire you have instilled in me. Regardless of the sinkhole I may bury myself in, may I never forget my way home.
I walk and I talk with my Lord.
I feast every day on His word.
Heaven is near, and I can’t stay here.
Goodbye world, goodbye.
Now don’t you weep for me when I’m gone.
For I won’t have to leave here alone.
As soon as I hear that trumpet sound,
My feet won’t stay on the ground!
I’m gonna rise with a shout, gonna fly!
Gonna rise with my Lord in the sky.
Heaven is near, I can’t stay here.
Goodbye world.
…..goodbye.

THAT DARN CAT! {volume 1}

 

If I said I despised cats, that would be offensive to some. If I said I had no use for them, that would be a bit more acceptable. Either way, I’d much rather play with a dog. Or a scorpion for that matter. J
However, this past month, I have been enlightened in a few different aspects. And as much as my pride rebukes the fact, it was because of a cat.
We have two cats. I can’t stand either of them. I would almost feel guilty for saying that, except nobody in my family likes them either. Why do we keep them? I’ll touch on that in my next blog. It’s a pretty comical story. Anyways.
Yesterday morning I was home alone, so I got up to grab me some breakfast when I noticed the garbage was overflowing onto the floor. So being the well organized, clean freak that I am…ahem…(hold the laughter) I bagged up the garbage and headed for the door. Upon approaching the door, it dawned on me that I was only wearing socks. It had been raining and I wasn’t in the mood for soggy feet. Mind you, it was still morning and I couldn’t muster up the desire to put on my shoes. “I’ll just set the bag outside” I thought. I knew if I left it on the inside of the door, somebody in my family (I.E. the mother) would nag about it stinking up the house. Because apparently garbage stinks more when the bag is outside of the can rather than inside the can. So I took the bag from its natural habitat, and I set it outside the door. I could clearly see the outside can when I opened the door, and I considered just taking it all the way, but…nah. I’ll do it later.
So I ate breakfast, hopped on the computer, brushed my teeth, read a book, hopped on the computer, went for a walk, straightened the living room, hopped on the computer, watched a Gaither video, quenched my thirst, called a friend of mine, hopped on the computer…the typical routine for one who is temporarily disabled.
Meanwhile my family came home. My mom came into the living room where I was, and surprisingly, I was on my computer. She gave me the “You’re going to hate to hear this, but I take great pleasure in telling you” look. She then informed me that the cat had torn the bag of trash all over the driveway. “I hate that stupid cat.”
So I got up, grabbed the broom and an empty trash bag, and bolted outside. When I got out there, it was as bad as I expected. I was quite irritated. However, after cleaning up most of the trash, I began to chuckle. My chuckle turned into full fledge laughter. “What an idiot. What did I really think was going to happen?” So I finished cleaning and went back inside.

I thought about the situation. Sometimes, our problems and our circumstances just bombard us. They pile higher and higher until they become impossible to manage.
That seems to be when the Lord works the most. His mercy, through the gift of the Spirit, begins to instruct us and show us how to overcome our problems. So we bag them up. We throw all of our failures, and problems, and inadequacies on the table. Our goal is to take them before the feet of the Lord.
But complacency always seems to be the one that escapes the bag. We get so far! We come so close to our destination, and then we compromise. “Well I’ve made it this far, I can afford to take a break.” Or “He knows my heart. If I just procrastinate for a while, His mercy will cover me. Hey, that’s what repentance is for right?”
While we’re just sitting idle and audacious, we’re leaving an open door for the enemy to come and expose us.
If we don’t work harder at putting these things behind us and casting them at the feet of Jesus, then we have no right to be angry when the adversary pulls out the slack.
I’d like to believe that darn cat was sitting right around the corner, waiting for me to leave the bag unattended so she could pounce!
It happens fast. Sometimes faster than we realize. We don’t have time to let our stinking, repulsive flesh lay dormant. Satan is like a roaring lion.
Lets go all the way. Our feet will probably get wet. Our hands will probably get dirty. We’ll probably have to tap into our resource of energy that we may or may not have.
BUT!
When the job is done, and there is no repugnant mess to worry about, then we can stand in total surrender, and claim the victory. What an achievement.

Mercy Still

Inabilities. Uncertainties. Confusion. Hesitation. Objections. Doubt. Disorientation. Guilt. Shame. Insignificance. Unimportance. If these were diamonds, I would surpass wealth. If they were grains of sand, I would stretch from coast to coast. If they were raindrops, I would saturate the globe leaving nothing behind. But rather than these, they are chains that cripple me. Weights that handicap me. Wounds that rot me. My mortal disadvantages have the potential to hug the earths circumference. Is there still mercy reserved for me? When completely stripped and exposed, I am but a lump of exalted ego hiding beneath a mask of pseudo-assurance. My self righteous verbalism has shattered the stain glass sanctuary of innocence time and again. The only hatred I can justifiably posses is geared towards myself. Destined to mirror my creator, I have taken full control of this transition. I have violently snatched the reigns from the tender hands of my commander. I have made it all about me. Is there still mercy reserved for one such as I? I have sought to prove my master wrong with my own intellect. I have failed. I have performed as though my finite mind could baffle the wit of the virgin born. I have labored strongly under the misconception that I am on a higher plateau than my shepherd. As the sweat of self-proclaimed holiness burned the eyes of my spirituality, I patiently awaited the day when the God of Abraham would tell me I was right, and He was wrong. Such a day has yet to come. Where is the mercy reserved for me? It came as a furious trumpet in the midst of tranquility. It pierced my lethargic soul like a rude enlightenment. Instantly, my walls of reliance struck the ground like an unsuspected murder. The summons! No Lord. Never. I am not worth Your time. You really think You know me. But the truth is Lord, You don’t know me at all. For if You did, You would take Your draft elsewhere. The thought of You and Your majesty, calling me and my ineffectuality, is nothing less than impossible. Ludicrous even. It had never occurred to me, that His persistence is nearly equal to His grace. You don’t want me! Trust me. If nothing I have ever said was true, You can count on this one Lord. I’m worthless! And I would not come to You alone. I would be accompanied by a surfeit of undesired attributes. I have a bag of repulsive problems that never leave me. If I came to You, I would have to come with all of my problems too. Believe me Father, I am pathetic. I am worthless. I am hopeless. Don’t waste Your time. Listen to me Lord, You would be wise to find somebody else and forget about me. Could it be? Does the drumbeat of the recruit continue on? He would not stop. He would not reconsider. He refused to take no for an answer. So considering the call, and the lack of loss at stake, I obeyed. As a peasant before his King, I hesitantly entered the realm of His holiness. My cracked, blistered feet scuffed the floors of His divine presence. Humiliated. Terrified. Apprehensive. I knew that at any moment, the King of all Kings would expose me. I braced for the sting of mortification when the God of all heaven would publicly display my every fault. But all at once, my heartbeat began to decrease. My profuse sweating ceased, and my trembling hands were stilled. I felt arms of love cradle me in a way I never thought possible. I felt tears of bewilderment emerge from my eyes. All the fear, all the anger, all the resentment, all the doubts and all the guilt crumbled to the ground. Like a blanket of snow in the dessert, they were gone. And I…I was free. I traded my shame for peace. I turned in all my disgrace for redemption. My indignity became my testimony. A testimony of love. But not just love. Agape love. A love that will not let me go. How thankful am I that His remedies are wiser than my prayers. When all I had was my apathetic story, He gave me a new one. When my voice was weak and feeble, He drowned it out with the song in my soul. When I would beg for release, He would squeeze tighter. When I would convince Him of my irrelevance, He would prove to me my importance. What I thought I knew, was far from reality. Although at times I have disagreed with the potter, He never ceases to prove me wrong. My questions are finally answered. And there was indeed, mercy reserved for even me. This covenant of divine compassion is mine to eternally embrace. I am now at His mercy. The mercy that led me to this point, and the mercy that will help me survive. Rain on me, oh sweet mercy of Heaven…

More than ever!

I love yard saling.  I love the adventure of slowly cruising through neighborhoods hoping to spot one, and the overwhelming triumph that follows when you do. I love weeding through decades of junk hoping to find something of value. I love to watch people purchase things they don’t need and have no intentions of ever using, simply because it’s only a quarter.
Recently I was doing a little yard saling myself. I came across a table with a few cd’s on it, the shuffle was on! I’m a sucker for music, and rarely pass up an opportunity to add to my collection. I dug and browsed and investigated, I found nothing. (Save an old Norah Jones cd. I know, don’t judge me) I did, however, notice a very odd cd that caught my attention for the wrong reasons. The album cover was a skeleton with eyes and hair. Hmmm…weird. I opened it up out of humored curiosity and found that they were proud members of the cannibalistic genre. I read two or three stanzas of lyrics, and began to feel nauseous as my Holy Ghost grieved. I started to retire from reading, when I noticed the “Thank you” section.
Low and behold, get this, it started with “First and foremost, we would like to thank our Lord and savior Jesus Christ for the gift He has instilled in us…”
I wish I could say I didn’t laugh, but that would be a lie. It wasn’t a sanctimonious or  pharisaical laugh, but rather one of enlightenment. I thought “oh God! Thank you for wisdom…” I’m not their judge, nor would I want to be. It just occurred to me that many people have a God awareness, but not a God conscience.

Although I don’t struggle to that extreme, I don’t possess the amount of God conscience that I need.
I have been troubled in my spirit for some time over the departure of convictions.
I found myself dealing with a struggle here of late, one that I always thought I was exempt from. Without going into any details, I’ll just say it was quenching my spirit. I found it easier and easier to override my convictions and coach myself through it.
Listen to me.
COMPARING SINS IS THE FIRST STEP TO AN EXTREME DOWNFALL!
When you begin to tell yourself, “Well maybe its wrong but atleast I’m not doing this…” Or “Well most kids my age are doing way worse than this…” Or “I can control it, it’s not that big of a deal, it‘s nowhere near as bad as…”
God help you.

This past Sunday I heard a testimony by a good friend of mine, who was talking on burying his face before God. I felt the Lord deal with me to get up behind him and tie in. A little while into the service I stood briefly and talked on King David, and then asked how many would accept the challenge of practicing obeisance for a week. I asked how many would be willing to bury their face in the floor and seek God.
David had an ingredient that we don’t have.
Prayer.
Fervent, perpetual, shameless, unfiltered, honest-hearted prayer.
David made many mistakes. Some gross, inexcusable mistakes. But God was never left out of the equation.

He spoke to God regardless of his circumstance, and God honored that.
Many times David felt, and nearly was disconnected from God. His mistakes were worthy of death. But David prayed on.
It didn’t matter if he wasn’t in the mood. It didn’t matter if he felt like it. It didn’t matter if he thought it was pointless. It didn’t matter if he thought God was ignoring him. He prayed on!! And in doing that, he was appointed by the Lord as “A man after God’s own heart.”

We are in the last days of the last days.

If we don’t practice sacrificial, inconvenient prayer, we will NEVER survive. Without open communication between us and our commander, we may as well hang it up!
I don’t mean comfortable, user friendly prayer. The lollygaggers prayer  is about as worthless as a white shirt in a spaghetti parlor.
I mean old time, Holy Ghost intercession where you aren’t satisfied until God moves!
I’m talking about latching ahold to the horns of the altar and staying there until you feel provision!
I’m talking about wrestling with an angel and chanting “I. WILL. NOT. LET. YOU. GO. UNTIL. YOU. BLESS. ME!!”
Whew!
HALLELUJAH!!
We need Holy Ghost conviction like we’ve NEVER had it before! If it’s wrong, IT’S WRONG!
And if it’s wrong for you, it’s just as wrong for me! It’s either black or white! We don’t have time to experiment in the church! We don’t have time to meander through trends and fads!
We don’t need the in-thing! We don’t need the latest hype! We don’t need to flirt with the charismatic outbreaks!
What we need is a personal Holy Ghost revival to submerge our spirits and crucify our flesh! We need God to show us what is right! Then we need the strength to obey!
SEARCH ME LORD! SEARCH ME LORD! TURN THE LIGHT OF HEAVEN ON IN MY SOUL! IF YOU FIND ANYTHING THAT SHOULDN’T BE, TAKE IT OUT AND STRAIGHTEN ME! I WANT TO BE RIGHT! I WANT TO BE SAVED! I WANT TO BE WHOLE!

Whew! Forgive me, this works me up. THIS IS SERIOUS GUYS!
This is life or death. This is our eternity. I haven’t worked my whole life to separate myself for nothing. I haven’t resisted the habits of society for nothing. I haven’t stayed pure and clean before God to throw it all away now.
Don’t think for a moment that I don’t battle it everyday. Don’t think I don’t struggle day in and day out.
May I NEVER come across like I have this beast conquered. I fight as much as the next guy. “If I could, still I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.”
Well I could. It’s offered to me everyday. Jesus, build a fence around me!

To complete my thought from earlier, I have battled with an issue over the past couple months, an issue that was choking the life of God out of me. It was not a catastrophic issue, but one that could have escalated in to such. I dealt with it, I prayed about it, I searched for remedies. It was still there.
I’m only exposing this because I feel like sometimes we fake who we are. Sometimes we pretend we don’t have problems. We walk into church smiling and saying “Oh God bless you! Really? You like my shoes? Girl they’re so comfortable!” “This tie? Yeah it ought to be nice, as much as I paid for it!” “Yeah everything is fine! Me and Jesus workin’ it out!”
When all the while, behind the nice clothes and big smile, we have problems like everybody else. Don’t misinterpret me, I love nice clothes and good fellowship, buts lets not forget our motive. That is to get through this world alive. There’s nothing wrong just being real and honest and saying, Dude! I got problems. I need help. Pray for me. That’s what I’m here for, don’t ever hesitate to ask me for prayer. And if you tell somebody you’ll pray, DO IT! Don’t tell somebody you’ll pray if you have no intentions of it.
That makes you a liar.

Ok. No more sidetracks
Sunday night when I got home, I practiced the challenge I set out. I got down face first and began to pray. I felt very humiliated so I knew I was doing the right thing.
I was asking God to deal with me and help me with this struggle. “Speak to me Lord!” I repeated the line over and over. It was three in the morning, I was outside, and growing irritated. I felt the Lord impress on me to go out and stand in the street.
“Hahaha! Yeah right Lord. Sigh…You’re great.
Oh…like, you’re serious? Now!? Sigh…ok Lord. Whatever you want.”
So I walked out into the street and I just stood there. “Ok God! Now what? I hope you’re enjoying this.”
I stood and stood and felt nothing. I turned to go back to my house, and when I did, I noticed a sign. It was red and white, and rather unique.
It read “STOP”
That’s it. Just…stop.
But what made it unusual is, each letter was the size of a buick! It just jumped out at my face. “STOP!” That was my answer. It was crazy windy outside, a storm was definitely approaching. I looked up at the sky, and athough it was dark I could still see the clouds. They were moving at incredibly fast speeds. There I stood, looking in the sky feeling rebuked. I felt God saying,  pay attention to the signs. So I looked behind me and noticed two more signs. One said “Caution. Speed bump ahead” and the other: “No outlet”.
That was the answer I needed.
If we don’t stop doing this our own way, we’re going to slam a speed bump. God can and will slow us down. We’ll realize our self-paved road has no outlet, it’s a dead end. And we’ll be found standing at the end of our crises while the cloud of God moves on.
We know the cloud is a picture of God’s covering. It is vital that we follow Him and stay under His covering. Without it we’ll surely die.

My spirit is troubled and concerned at the degree of liberty we have taken.
We live in a society where homosexuality is openly accepted and encouraged. Fashion has no limits. It’s ok to walk around nearly nude and arouse the guys, who cares if your body is uncovered as long as your heart is right! Premarital sex, as well as sexual games and experiments run ferociously in our generation! Watching and supporting filthy garbage on the television is no big deal. Pornography floods our world like an open sewer!
Where is the conviction! Have we strayed so far that we don‘t even know the difference between right and wrong??
GOD! WE NEED HELP! WE NEED YOU LIKE NEVER BEFORE!
I may get called out on this, but if the Bible says it’s wrong, it’s wrong!
Can you not hear the trumpet of fury sounding? I hear the call of Eleazar! 
There’s a rustling in the mulberry trees, where are the Davids!
Where are the unashamed! If there has ever been a time for the army of Gods young people to rise, it’s right now!

He won’t wait on us. His plan will go forth and be carried out regardless if we’re a part. Somebody’s going to do this!
 
Romans 8:19 “ The earnest expectation of the creature waiteth for the manifestation of the sons of God.”
Where are the sons of God? Who will stand and proclaim holiness? Who will keep the old ways alive? Who will sacrifice their life for Gods people? Who will raise the banner of righteousness? Who will say no? Who will turn away and refuse the wiles of modern society? Who will defy this wave of self-proclaimed living? Who will arise? Who will be dedicated? Who will be committed? Who will be sold out? Who will present  the remedy? Who will say “God I need you and I’m nothing without you!” Who stand and proclaim “As for me! And my house! We will serve the Lord!”
This world is falling fast, I REFUSE to go down with the ship!
Who will pray “here I am Lord, send me”?

I’m sorry, I never write like this. I never get this excited behind a keyboard. But my spirit is stirred. I feel the presence of God so strong right now.
Unless we all make some changes and seek God like we never have, we’re hopeless. We’ll be found as worthless junk at life’s yard sale. But somewhere beneath all the worthless junk and corrupt trash, is a remnant! God has a little David on the backside of the dessert who knows no defeat!

 The Apostle Paul said:
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;
Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body.
For we which live are always delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our mortal flesh. ~II Corinthians 4:8-11~

He’s not requiring you to be perfect in order to be used, all He asks for is simple obedience. None of us are beyond repentance. And don’t think for a second, that if you’ve already made some of these mistakes, it’s too late. What a misconception. Romans 3:23 tells us that ALL have sinned and fallen short. We serve a massive God who can do abundantly above all we could ask or think. He specializes in forgivness, redemption, and mercy.
May God help us get this right. All I ask is you consider these words, accept the easy challenge of falling on your face and searching for God. You have nothing to lose if it fails.
Open your heart and allow God to come in and renovate.
My payer is that God makes you miserable until you please Him.
My heart and concern is with each of you. I love you all beyond expression. Without you, where would I go and who would I be. Thank you guys for being there. I love you.
May God bless you and me alike. We need Him now more than ever.

~Kyle~

Apostolic Martyrdom

Recently I was researching the death of the Apostles, and discovered that the info was all too interesting. I decided that if I was intrigued, perhaps others would be too. This is not an all inclusive compilation, just simply brief excerpts that I copied and pasted to potentially wet your appetite.
May this inspire you to do further investigation on the history and heritage of our great faith.
Feel free to add or state your opinion, as I am 100% open to discuss this topic.
God bless you, and thanks for reading.

————————————

History reveals that not one of these men, who knew Jesus personally, ever denied their testimony about Him despite the threat and reality of imminent death. This proves to any fair-minded observer that these men possessed an absolute unshakable personal knowledge about the truth of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. Each of the apostles were called upon to pay the ultimate price to prove their faith in Jesus, affirming with their life’s blood that Jesus was the true Messiah, the Son of God, and the only hope of salvation for a sinful humanity.

Matthew suffered martyrdom in Ethiopia, killed by a sword wound.

Mark died in Alexandria, Egypt, after being dragged by horses through the streets until he was dead.

Luke was hanged in Greece as a result of his tremendous preaching to the lost.

John faced martyrdom when he was boiled in a huge basin of boiling oil during a wave of persecution in Rome. However, he was miraculously delivered from death. John was then sentenced to the mines on the prison island of Patmos. He wrote his prophetic Book of Revelation on Patmos. The apostle John was later freed and returned to serve as Bishop of Edessa in modern Turkey. He died as an old man, the only apostle to die peacefully.

Peter was crucified upside down on an x-shaped cross, according to church tradition because he told his tormentors that he felt unworthy to die in the same way that Jesus Christ had died.

James the Just, the leader of the church in Jerusalem, was thrown over a hundred feet down from the southeast pinnacle of the Temple when he refused to deny his faith in Christ. When they discovered that he survived the fall, his enemies beat James to death with a fuller’s club. This was the same pinnacle where Satan had taken Jesus during the Temptation.

James the Greater, a son of Zebedee, was a fisherman by trade when Jesus called him to a lifetime of ministry. As a strong leader of the church, James was ultimately beheaded at Jerusalem. The Roman officer who guarded James watched amazed as James defended his faith at his trial. Later, the officer walked beside James to the place of execution. Overcome by conviction, he declared his new faith to the judge and knelt beside James to accept beheading as a Christian.

Bartholomew, also know as Nathanael, was a missionary to Asia. He witnessed to our Lord in present day Turkey. Bartholomew was martyred for his preaching in Armenia when he was flayed to death by a whip.

Andrew was crucified on an x-shaped cross in Patras, Greece. After being whipped severely by seven soldiers they tied his body to the cross with cords to prolong his agony. His followers reported that, when he was led toward the cross, Andrew saluted it in these words: “I have long desired and expected this happy hour. The cross has been consecrated by the body of Christ hanging on it.” He continued to preach to his tormentors for two days until he expired.

The apostle Thomas was stabbed with a spear in India during one of his missionary trips to establish the church in the subcontinent.

Jude, the brother of Jesus, was killed with arrows when he refused to deny his faith in Christ.

Matthias, the apostle chosen to replace the traitor Judas Iscariot, was stoned and then beheaded.

Barnabas, one of the group of seventy disciples, wrote the Epistle of Barnabas. He preached throughout Italy and Cyprus. Barnabas was stoned to death at Salonica.

The apostle Paul was tortured and then beheaded by the evil Emperor Nero at Rome in A.D. 67. Paul endured a lengthy imprisonment which allowed him to write his many epistles to the churches he had formed throughout the Roman Empire. These letters, which taught many of the foundational doctrines of Christianity, form a large portion of the New Testament.

Prayer of humilty

Why? Why me oh God? What have I done? How have I found favor in your eyes? What have I done to cause your redeeming mercy to penetrate the carnal exterior that I wear, and soak into my withered soul? There are many things I am unsure of, yet there are a few that I’m not. Some things, I know. I know I haven’t lived a perfectly clean life. I know I have done many things that shamed you. I know I have let you down. I know I have missed you many times. My ignorance, and my selfishness have gotten in the way more oft than not. My list of failures could cover the sea. Yet you beckon me on… Silence was present. But then, shattering the eerie quiescence was the sound of your calming voice saying: “Come my child, I want you…”
Why do I resist? Why do I draw back? Why am I scared to fully rely on you? I stand awaiting an answer, but in reality, I can answer myself. It is because I am not worthy. Oh God! I am so unworthy…
You have multitudes of people. Why me? What is it that keeps you knocking at my door? Why does it seem like the more I mess up, the stronger I feel you presence? Why is it that, in a time when I should feel alone and forsaken, I feel comforted? Can my mortality fully grasp how marvelous you are? Can the channels of my fragile mind clutch every microscopic display of your entirety?

I examine myself, and I am grieved.
This? This is what you want?
You who spoke our world into existence with the very breath of you majesty?
You, who two thousand years ago performed the surfeit of miracles that still baffle the human mind today?
You who simply walked past the poverty stricken derelicts and caused them to look beyond their misfortune and smell hope?
You…want me?
You are speaking my name?
Forgive me Lord for my procrastination, but my mind simply cannot wrap itself around such a thing.
In my attempt to comprehend you, I stand immersed in your glory and seek answers.
Answers that I will never inherit, because mortal words can not convey the fullness of who you are.
So instead, I just stand.
As I attempt to ingest your beauty, I mutter the words “Yes Lord. Here I am.”
I don’t know what I’m agreeing to. I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where you are about to take me. I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t get you. Your ways astonish me beyond verbal expression. But I trust you Lord. I have no doubts Lord. Nor do I fear that you are making a mistake. One of the many things I have learned in my short lifetime is that you, in your supremacy, cannot fail.
But the simple fact that you descended your loving, mighty hand into a sea of repulsive humanity and selected me, renders me speechless.
If you speak to no reply, it is not falling on deaf ears Lord. I hear your voice. I am simply at a loss for words. I have yet to learn how to accept such a thing. My prayer is that as I swim in my questions of why, I don’t miss out on your plan for me.
I do trust you Lord. I do want to follow you. Pardon my lack of ability to accept the fact that you in all your majesty would not only forgive me, but want me.

So I stand here oh Lord. Feeling inadequate. Baffled. Perplexed. Confounded. Bewildered. Feeling remorse because of my calling. I don’t deserve it. I have not earned it. But if you want me Lord, if you plan to use me in any way, here I am.
I ask that you allow me to take that, which I have not earned, and pay it off with a lifetime of dedication and submission to Your will.

You’re beautiful Lord. My lips aren’t worthy to breathe the name Jesus.
My eyes are not worthy to behold the manifestation of your love.
The more I try to understand it, the less sense it makes. So I’ll quit Lord. I’ll lay down my inability to see your ways and accept the simple fact that you know what you’re doing.
As I step out of Your way and into Your will, I ask that you cover me. Let me do exactly what You would have me do.
I am here Lord. Worthless and unworthy.
But I am, wholly yours…